Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Building Achievers - Part of How I Came to Embrace SDE

Five years ago I was struggling with some pretty severe depression so I entered therapy.  I was introduced to a character strengths test that was developed by Dr. Martin E.P. Seligman, and used the results to begin my arduous road to recovery and self-discovery.  I shifted my focus and continued to grow and change... still am.  So what does this have to do with unschooling?  I'm currently reading the book Flourish by Seligman, who is one of the founders of positive psychology and well-being theory.  This book is taking me forever to read because I can't stop taking notes, pausing to think, and looking up additional information.  Here's a nice tidbit taken from page 80:



He outlines a formula for achievement and goes into great detail about how his team has defined each element, and how anyone can build the strengths needed to achieve.  Grit (perseverance), patience, and resilience are huge factors in achievement and in well-being.  As a parent, I feel it's my responsibility to encourage my kids to build these strengths, to recognize their own personal strengths, and to find any number of ways to use those strengths to achieve.  I think developing these strengths will help them as adults far more than learning typical school subjects.  I definitely find value in facts and knowledge, but I don't think so much emphasis should be placed on these subjects anymore.

Consider the rise in school shootings, intense bullying, drug usage, and child suicides.  It's obviously time for a shift in goals and priorities... ACTIVELY, not passively.  It's not enough for us to say words like "family values" but expect people to work 10+ hour days, not treat children with respect, put money on a pedestal, serve your job first, buy all the right things, and expect misery as a part of working adult life.  What are our actual goals?  Are we actively pursuing them in ways that are proven effective?  There are 2 ways to change behavior: incentivize change or de-incentivize the behavior.  Our school system is all about de-incentivizing (punishments), which don't effectively target the behavior and foster more negativity in the environment.  Punishment creates incentive to avoid the punisher, not the behavior.  It encourages lying and secrecy.  Look at any moment in history (or even the present) - illegal behaviors are surrounded by violence and shrouded in secrecy, and illegalization doesn't decrease their use/abuse.  If we expect punishment to work, why do we teach at all?  Why not just keep punishing someone until they learn to read or do better in math... because we know that's insane and it would never work.  We are making things worse.  The more you were repressed as a child, the more likely you are to take it out on your kids and hide behind the labels "discipline" or "punishment" to justify violence.  I know because I did it.

We used punishment with our first son and we're still trying to mend our relationship with him at 13.  He was so miserable in school, and we never knew until he couldn't hold in the pain anymore and broke down in front of us.  He doesn't trust us and he's gotten very good about lying or joking his way out of a tense situation.  He never chooses to talk to us about difficult topics.  Punishment has broken our relationship and it never worked to change his behavior.  He still never did homework no matter how long he was grounded.  Punishment made him feel unaccepted by everyone in his life... isolation lead to depression.  Now we're working on figuring out his motivations so he can help himself change his own behavior (if he even wants to), and it will last beyond his time around his parents.  Hopefully we can reestablish communication with him by fostering an environment of love and acceptance that will allow him to openly come to us with issues.

I'm not a parent who doesn't believe in consequences or discipline, but punishment is not an effective tool for changing behavior.  It's been tested many times, and it doesn't work.  Why do we still use this?  I desire a learning environment that is open and inviting, and encourages children to explore their interests and consider their own motivations, beliefs, and values.  Our school system didn't offer that kind of environment for the grades our children are in, it was more about punishment and control being the answer to these problems.  Worse, the school system makes rules that assume children will be bad and therefore need to be controlled: dress codes, 0 touching policies, 0 talking in lunchrooms, enrollment in classes without student input.

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