Our teenager has been going through the typical teen issues: trying to figure out what type of schedule is best for his health, how to balance his wants and needs, what to talk about with friends and how, who he really is, who he wants to be. There are so many things that pop up in a teen's brain that they may want to talk about, but dealing with the inconvenience and discomfort of finding a time to sit down face-to-face with a parent or adult and speak openly about any of it seems insurmountable. That's why we love texting, emailing, blogging, and other forms of passive communication. Suddenly we have the opportunity to speak to each other at completely different times and the anxiety of having that awkward conversation can melt away (or at least be decreased a bit). We don't even have to be in the same country to have a conversation now! With that physical distance comes comfort.
When I was a teenager the internet was dial-up and we all used chatrooms. We couldn't even upload pictures yet. It was liberating. I flirted and opened up and used language I'd never use in person! It was a place to experiment with communication and its consequences and I learned a lot. I had a billion questions, but there was no google to answer any of them. I never asked anything anyway. I lived in fear that I had cancers and was going to hell for a billion different reasons. I had massive anxiety, probably depression. I felt trapped, alone, and terrified, but it never seemed that way to anyone else.
What I love about passive communication is that I can choose whether or not to be communicative. If I'm not feeling like talking to a particular person, I can just not read their email/text yet. I don't have to respond. I don't have to go through the agony of trying to figure out what to emote or say. I get crazy stressed when someone complains to me about someone else because I feel like I'm being asked to agree, or gossip, or mirror their emotions and sentiments towards that person. I realize this is all in my own head and I'm not actually being asked to do any of those things. I have my own issues with thinking I am disappointing everyone and not living up to expectations they have of me, so it triggers this downward spiral of self-loathing and anxiety about myself. Phone calls... I won't answer them if they are from people I'm not comfortable with, which are usually people who seem to go out of their way to make me uncomfortable by trying to force me into social situations, or bringing up the same divisive topics over and over, or reacting negatively to any attempt I make at asserting my boundaries: "you're just stubborn" or "you'll change your mind later" or "you just don't understand me" or "you're overreacting". Of course I never tell them and they may never know because they insist on only communicating with me in active ways that make me too uncomfortable to be honest with them. It's a process. I'm working on a great many things haha. Suffice it to say - I really like that there's passive communication.
My husband and I dealt with marital issues using only passive communication. We had to build up to more active face-to-face communication with various topics. As adults. Because sometimes your physical reactions to an issue or a topic can be influenced by your deep fears, expectations and insecurities, and having the physical space to let those insecurities exist is just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes using our actual voice is just not an option. At first I only wrote to myself about some of my concerns! We hand-wrote letters, moved to emails, then texting, and eventually were able to do phone calls... and finally face-to-face. We still have times where we take advantage of the comfort and security of distance that passive communication provides. We still slide into insecurity and fear and can't face each other. We still have certain topics we can't even use literal language, but choose metaphors or text symbols. And we're adults!
So next time you're thinking about banning phone use, try texting your kid instead of yelling at them and see what comes out. Remember that being a teenager sucks far more than being the parent of one. Be the adult, have the patience, quit feeling sorry for yourself, and try to be there for this defensive and terrified coming-of-age human being. What works best for me is admitting my own mistakes of the past and acknowledging that crappy time of my life, hugs, and inviting him to join us in adult conversations.
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