Modeling Improper Mental Health Care

Imagine you're in a job you hate, doing things you don't care about, your boss is a jerk, and your days are over-scheduled and out of your hands entirely.  How would your mental health be?  Probably pretty crappy.  This very phenomenon, though still not considered a medical diagnosis, has symptoms and risks, and a treatment plan.  I give you Job burnout (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2019).

Job burnout symptoms

Ask yourself:

• Have you become cynical or critical at work?
• Do you drag yourself to work and have trouble getting started?
• Have you become irritable or impatient with co-workers, customers or clients?
• Do you lack the energy to be consistently productive?
• Do you find it hard to concentrate?
• Do you lack satisfaction from your achievements?
• Do you feel disillusioned about your job?
• Are you using food, drugs or alcohol to feel better or to simply not feel?
• Have your sleep habits changed?
• Are you troubled by unexplained headaches, stomach or bowel problems, or other physical complaints?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be experiencing job burnout. Consider talking to a doctor or a mental health provider because these symptoms can also be related to health conditions, such as depression.

Job burnout risk factors

You might be more likely to experience job burnout if:

• You identify so strongly with work that you lack balance between your work life and your personal life
• You have a high workload, including overtime work
• You try to be everything to everyone
• You work in a helping profession, such as health care
• You feel you have little or no control over your work
• Your job is monotonous

Consequences of job burnout

Ignored or unaddressed job burnout can have significant consequences, including:

• Excessive stress
• Fatigue
• Insomnia
• Sadness, anger or irritability
• Alcohol or substance misuse
• Heart disease
• High blood pressure
• Type 2 diabetes
• Vulnerability to illnesses

If you experience job burnout some intervention can help, but sometimes the only answer is to leave the environment altogether (Valcour, 2018).  Job burnout is on the rise, with an estimated 44% of people reporting an unsafe level of burnout (Kraft, 2018).  Why are we all doing this to ourselves?  Why do our employers think it's OK to have these unreasonable expectations of us anyway?  Where did we hear these messages?  We feel trapped by financial need, social expectations, and the belief that work is supposed to be miserable.  That's our social model, and it starts very early in our lives. 

Think back to your own childhood and your own school experience.  Read these possible causes of job burnout and ask yourself if your experience with school felt this way. 

• Lack of control. An inability to influence decisions that affect your job — such as your schedule, assignments or workload — could lead to job burnout. So could a lack of the resources you need to do your work.
• Unclear job expectations. If you're unclear about the degree of authority you have or what your supervisor or others expect from you, you're not likely to feel comfortable at work.
• Dysfunctional workplace dynamics. Perhaps you work with an office bully, or you feel undermined by colleagues or your boss micromanages your work. This can contribute to job stress.
• Extremes of activity. When a job is monotonous or chaotic, you need constant energy to remain focused — which can lead to fatigue and job burnout.
• Lack of social support. If you feel isolated at work and in your personal life, you might feel more stressed.
• Work-life imbalance. If your work takes up so much of your time and effort that you don't have the energy to spend time with your family and friends, you might burn out quickly. 

I felt every one of these, and what's worse, I never felt like telling any adult was an option for dealing with it, since every adult in my life was responsible for creating the environment in the first place.  I am still hearing new stories about my kids old schools that shock the hell out of me... drunk substitute teachers, physical abuse, entire class periods sitting in darkness and silence because someone spoke, hiding during lunch and recess to avoid people, spending entire days never saying a word to anyone.  They never told me when it happened.  Why?  Because it was something that was normal and acceptable in that environment.  Being told over and over again that you don't know what's best for yourself leads to some pretty intense feelings of inadequacy as an adult.  How can we advocate for ourselves if we were taught that others' expectations of us matter more than our own feelings and wants?  I don't think this is perpetrated intentionally to harm children, I just think we haven't truly considered why we do it this way and how it's affecting us because we've been doing it for so long.

Some people are fine with schooling and can thrive in that environment, but not all of us.  I think it's an incredibly dangerous practice that leads to continued mental health crises to force children into environments that are stressful to them because we think we know what's best.  Schools systems try to push the burden onto the child's home-life, but children aren't home nearly as much as they're at school.  This is not a sufficient solution.  They are still being subjected to the detrimental environment all day, every day... exactly like a job... oh and let's add homework too!  Our current compulsory school model doesn't fit into the recommendations for good mental health.

"Children need to have a good mental health status if they are going to live up to their full potential and truly live a life that is filled with positive experiences and the willingness to do what is best for themselves and the people around them.

There are a myriad of factors that can impact a child's mental health status, both positively and negatively. Providing children with an environment that demonstrates love, compassion, trust, and understanding will greatly impact a child so that they can build on these stepping stones to have a productive lifestyle. Many children do not receive that type of lifestyle though. Some children have to deal with a childhood that is filled with angst, resentment, hatred, distrust, and constant negativity. " (kidsmentalhealth.org)

If school is not providing that type of environment, quit.  If children are in an environment that elicits feelings of stress or depression, what happens?  Are we telling them this is "just how it is" and teaching them to expect misery, expect that they will not be allowed to exercise autonomy or control over their own lives until they are 18?  Have we told them how they should feel rather than letting them tell us how they actually feel, and listening?  We model to them that they are never good at making decisions for themselves: deciding what is important for them to learn, to wear, to do with their free time, to watch, to say.  At no point do we grant children the opportunity to say no to schooling.  It is mandatory, expected, required... no matter how it makes them feel.  Our personal feelings become even less important in a group situation where everyone seems to be dealing.  After 13 years of this environment, no wonder we're such pros at dealing with abuse, even in the worst of circumstances.

Some mental health issues don't require interventions, but disruptions.  We may not need to add medications and therapy, but simply remove them from the stressful environment entirely.  Let them quit the job they hate and find something that they love.  Let's model better mental health in practice, not just in required assemblies about suicide and bullying.  Remember, our children aren't less-than-people, they're people and they deserve respect and consideration.  How would we advise a best friend who is miserable in a relationship or a job?  Why are children not worthy of the same levels or respect and consideration?  We must model the actions we want them to take! 

7 Drafts

As it stands right now I have 7 draft blog posts waiting in the queue.  I don't know if they'll ever be finished.  I didn't like the last post, and it was written months ago... but, I decided to let it live anyway.  I want to delete it.  It's passive aggressive and I don't like it.  I agree with the content, but I don't like it.  I have a really hard time allowing "imperfect ideas" to be broadcast.  I am constantly changing and growing, and writing has always been a place for me to reflect back and learn something about myself.  Generally speaking, it's not what I've done right, but what I've done wrong.  So, there are plenty of things I say that I don't feel I explained well or that I don't even agree with anymore.  They are these weird over-exaggerations or reactions to ideas that I haven't fully processed.  I get super nervous about sharing, no matter how favorable the reactions have been.

I have a hard time deciding whether or not to publish imperfection, even though I logically know that nothing will ever be perfect!  Here I am, trying to model "mistakes are normal" behavior, but I know I have a hard time acting on that truth in certain areas of my own life.  I say expressing personal boundaries is very important, but I routinely practice avoidance of expressing those boundaries.  I am especially unsure about intellectual and social boundaries.  I do not speak my mind like... ever... when I am in uncomfortable situations.  I want to model behavior to my kids that says "your opinions and wants are valuable", but I have a really hard time buying into that for myself.  Lately I have been doing a pretty awesome job at saying what is bothering me, and the response has never been the gigantic emotional outburst I feared.  But, I also have realized I am in some pretty emotionally abusive relationships and am unsure of where to go from here.  I have also had the displeasure of realizing I myself am guilty of being emotionally abusive and am working to repair those mindsets and behaviors.  I'm stuck not knowing whether my reactions are the result of creating healthy boundaries, or whether I am still operating out of fear.  I don't feel healthy enough to be honest in the moment, and I avoid people who would test me.  I find myself not understanding how I actually feel because I have no practice with it.  I have a lot of questions I cannot answer.  This of course all plays out in relationships with other people.  Communicating honestly and directly with others has never been my strong point.  But I'm working on it.

This has kept me from being able to maintain friendships.  My friendships that did last for any period of time tended to be with mentally-ill people and I focused on helping them or fixing them.  I could be honest with them because they were "more messed up than me" so it was safe.  But, I still would justify not expressing my wants in those relationships as a means to help the other person.  I would spend all of my time with them, avoiding self-reflection, avoiding living my own life.  It's not helpful.  Those relationships were about avoiding my own self-analysis and self-discovery by focusing on someone else.  Those relationships were about being linked to someone who makes me feel superior and bolsters my self esteem a little.  Sometimes those relationships were about being more comfortable as a codependent and pushover rather than an equal partner.  I in no way regret those friendships and I love those people.  I learned a lot from those relationships, but I am ready for healthy friends now.  I'm ready to be a healthier friend now.

How do I know?  I have healthy friends!  I've been fostering new relationships with healthy people and it is completely new to me!  I remember when I first tried to reach out to people I actually admired I was filled with the dread of rejection.  No way am I worthy of this friendship!  It took me weeks of conversations before the voice in my head stopped telling me the person was only there because they "felt bad for me".  Now I see that's because my old friendships were mainly built on feigned guilt and a need to feel like the better person so I would have control in the relationship (like that ever really happens).  Any healthy friends I had in the past I never speak to... why would I?  They don't want to hear from me!  I don't know what a healthy friendship looks like because all I have to go off of are movies, TV, and trial and error.  I find myself asking questions that shouldn't be so difficult to answer.

Do I really feel this way or do I just think this is how I am supposed to feel?
Have I chosen this friend because I actually like them and benefit from this friendship, or do I feel an obligation to mirror their emotions about me?
Have I chosen this friend at all or am I being forced into a relationship?
Can I trust myself to know how I feel and stand up for myself with this person?
Do I want this relationship or am I allowing it out of guilt?

Where did this come from?  I've never seen my parents with friends.  Ever.  Only family members.  I've been shamed for spending time with friends or having friends in my life and I've heard my siblings get shamed for the same reason.  Discouraging outsiders is a way to control family dynamics, to keep things hidden, keep abuse alive, contain the shame of being abused.  There is a lot of substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, and depression in my family.  We don't feel like love and acceptance is a given and we don't trust one another with personal information, especially if it's "bad news" because we all can't stand complainers... just go freakin' do something about it!!  We suppress our inner victim and invalidate our pain so we've grown to hate seeing it in anyone else.  We were taught to suffer in silence.  Love is earned by acceptable behavior only.  This is the result of having an alcoholic in the house with PTSD and an enabler who made excuses for abuse by placing his issues above the health and safety of others.  Those broken children had children and raised us to hide things, to "get over it", not to expect anyone other than family to understand, to be ashamed if you're a victim of abuse.  Admitting to abuse embarrasses the family.  Contain the abuse.  Protect the abuser.  Take responsibility for causing the abuse and never expect any respect from them.  It's our job to understand and accept abuse, not to expect the abuser to take responsibility for healing.  No wonder we have a hard time.  We will stop talking to someone completely rather than have a fight.  When we finally do fight it's releasing years of repression, super explosive, and can effectively terminate the relationship.  Many of us have been working on trusting each other with our true selves and it's rebuilding our relationships.  Many of us have come to accept the fact that some relationships will never be healthy, and sharing DNA is not a good enough reason to feel guilty about that.

As I've come to take responsibility for my own emotions, and not the emotions of everyone else it's been a lot easier to listen to people when they're having a hard time and not take it personally.  I would have panic attacks if I felt like someone was about to express criticism, no matter if it was directed towards me or not.  That's no longer the case.  I used to hate being around healthy, secure people because it took so much work to appear normal.  Now I let my crazy out, listen when they tell me I'm reacting inappropriately, and let go of that burden of fulfilling the expectations of others that's usually driving my behavior.  I definitely still am a little crazy, but I see a lot of positive changes!  Now I'm dealing with my boundary issues and trying to get a hold of what I want and who I am.  I'm working on convincing myself that I deserve to be respected, and that rejection is not a given.  I'm working on accepting my own boundaries as acceptable and not as unfair burdens to place on others.  My "just deal with it" attitude is being replaced... slowly but surely.  I realized people with healthy boundaries have no problem listening to and respecting the boundaries of others.

The level of respect, freedom of choice, and autonomy we have granted our kids is allowing me to do the same for myself.  I recently listened to Pam Laricchia's podcast with Jessica Hughes and this experience between Jessica and her husband really resonated with me:

"We talked about our own childhoods because we have an inner child that was wounded. It’s healing through the unschooling journey and through the closeness we’ve had with our own children. It’s almost like mothering and fathering ourselves, to an extent, as well... "

Amen.  Starting unschooling really kicked the personal growth into high gear for me.  It's been wild.  I'm putting myself out into the community more as I accept that my words have value.

Confusing Correlation with Causation

I am tired of the articles shaming kids for being all into their cell phones and gaming, and shaming their parents for not controlling them better.  They log the time spent on phones in school, and then point to it as a cause instead of a symptom.  Maybe kids are on their phones and in games because we've increasingly tightened our collective grip on all their decision making and sociability.  We've taken all their free time.  We force them to do what we say... all damn day and night.  Children are to be controlled.  Newsflash: that's abuse.  How do victims of emotional abuse react to their abusers? 

"While staying in an abusive relationship the victim uses coping strategies.  These coping strategies tend to be self-protective in nature; they include denial, minimization, addictions, arguing, defensiveness, rationalization, compliance, detachment, and dissociation."

"The relationship will end up being a system, where the abuser does whatever the hell he or she wants and the victims become programmed to cope with it in some way.  Victims may comply, “numb out,” take anti-depressants, live in a detached state of being, pretend that everything’s fine, etc. "

Sounds like school-aged kids to me.  Stop focusing on the device and look at the ONE COMMONALITY all these kids have.  School.  Same goes for school shootings.  It's not the presence of guns.  We've had the 2nd amendment since the constitution was written so I highly doubt it's suddenly becoming a problem because of a legal issue.  We've had schooling for a long time... what has changed?  What has actually changed?  I think it's our values and schedules.  It's our lack of mental health awareness and self-care.  It's our institutions that promote depression and abuse and prime us to expect misery.

I can read through this list and spot many times I felt like school was guilty of being emotionally abusive towards myself (when I was younger) and towards my kids.  Then of course there's this little chestnut:

"19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.

Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household."

My question is this: at what point are our children NOT to be managed or controlled?  Why is control and management of young people the expected practice, rather than guidance and connection?  When do we stop being our parent's problem and have personal responsibility for ourselves?  Are we as a society allowing kids to slowly come to this adult stage, letting them learn the lessons they need to become adults?  What tools/strategies should kids learn to become successful adults?  Is their schooling a part of this process?

I just ask you all to check in with your child and make sure school is a place they want to be.  If they are not feeling respected or engaged, valuable, or feel what they're doing is going to benefit them later on... please consider other options.  There are many schools out there not guilty of this at all!  Many wonderful teachers and amazing places who value children and foster real learning (and some of them are indeed public schools).  I'm not against all schooling.  I'm against schooling as a means to control and indoctrinate children.  I'm against detachment from the process itself.  School is not the only option and no one should feel trapped by lack of choices, whether parent or child.  Misery should not be "just the way it is".  If schooling is helping guide a child into adulthood by giving them opportunities to learn valuable skills like negotiating social situations, dealing with emotions, critical thinking, self-reliance... I'm all for a school that cares about whole child development.  Check in and make sure your child is being helped by school, not harmed.