Mini Moments

Choosing unschooling has so many moments of uncertainty.  You begin to question your choices and actions, even when you see the improvements.  I had a few little moments with our 11yr old who I was most worried about taking the reins and being comfortable in this process.

1. I got 3 comments on different days from completely different people about how hilarious he is when he talks to other kids, and how inclusive and kind.  I have known this about my son, but his boldness has increased and he has the courage to speak to others and be himself far more often than he ever did before!  He knows his voice is valuable and he's using it again.

2. One of his friends spent the night.  In the morning they awoke really early on their own to walk our dog (he was very proud to showcase his independence).  His friend grabbed a flier for a home for sale on our street to bring to his parents.  They were making plans to figure out how he can also attend our "unschool" and they couldn't figure out the transportation so moving was the next possibility.  That means our boy went from reluctant unschooler to ambassador and recruiter of unschooling.  I know parents will want to tell me "well of course, any kid would love to stop going to school"... right, and why is this an acceptable thing to force kids to do for 8+ hours everyday.  Just because you're miserable at work doesn't mean it's necessary or OK.  Be brave.  Do less.

3. He has stopped insulting himself so much and comparing his abilities to his brothers.  I used to always hear him tell me how much he sucked at spelling, reading, writing, and art.  He will still throw that information out there, but now he accompanies it with "but I'm great at soccer".

Benefits of Passive Communication

When it comes to teens and electronics, every parent seems to have a complaint about the time spent on it.  Well, lemme share with you some experiences that helped me realize the massive benefits for our relationships we tend to never talk about.

Our teenager has been going through the typical teen issues: trying to figure out what type of schedule is best for his health, how to balance his wants and needs, what to talk about with friends and how, who he really is, who he wants to be.  There are so many things that pop up in a teen's brain that they may want to talk about, but dealing with the inconvenience and discomfort of finding a time to sit down face-to-face with a parent or adult and speak openly about any of it seems insurmountable.  That's why we love texting, emailing, blogging, and other forms of passive communication.  Suddenly we have the opportunity to speak to each other at completely different times and the anxiety of having that awkward conversation can melt away (or at least be decreased a bit).  We don't even have to be in the same country to have a conversation now!  With that physical distance comes comfort. 

When I was a teenager the internet was dial-up and we all used chatrooms.  We couldn't even upload pictures yet.  It was liberating.  I flirted and opened up and used language I'd never use in person!  It was a place to experiment with communication and its consequences and I learned a lot.  I had a billion questions, but there was no google to answer any of them.  I never asked anything anyway.  I lived in fear that I had cancers and was going to hell for a billion different reasons.  I had massive anxiety, probably depression.  I felt trapped, alone, and terrified, but it never seemed that way to anyone else.

What I love about passive communication is that I can choose whether or not to be communicative.  If I'm not feeling like talking to a particular person, I can just not read their email/text yet.  I don't have to respond.  I don't have to go through the agony of trying to figure out what to emote or say.  I get crazy stressed when someone complains to me about someone else because I feel like I'm being asked to agree, or gossip, or mirror their emotions and sentiments towards that person.  I realize this is all in my own head and I'm not actually being asked to do any of those things.  I have my own issues with thinking I am disappointing everyone and not living up to expectations they have of me, so it triggers this downward spiral of self-loathing and anxiety about myself.  Phone calls... I won't answer them if they are from people I'm not comfortable with, which are usually people who seem to go out of their way to make me uncomfortable by trying to force me into social situations, or bringing up the same divisive topics over and over, or reacting negatively to any attempt I make at asserting my boundaries: "you're just stubborn" or "you'll change your mind later" or "you just don't understand me" or "you're overreacting".  Of course I never tell them and they may never know because they insist on only communicating with me in active ways that make me too uncomfortable to be honest with them.  It's a process.  I'm working on a great many things haha.  Suffice it to say - I really like that there's passive communication. 

My husband and I dealt with marital issues using only passive communication.  We had to build up to more active face-to-face communication with various topics.  As adults.  Because sometimes your physical reactions to an issue or a topic can be influenced by your deep fears, expectations and insecurities, and having the physical space to let those insecurities exist is just what the doctor ordered.  Sometimes using our actual voice is just not an option.  At first I only wrote to myself about some of my concerns!  We hand-wrote letters, moved to emails, then texting, and eventually were able to do phone calls... and finally face-to-face.  We still have times where we take advantage of the comfort and security of distance that passive communication provides.  We still slide into insecurity and fear and can't face each other.  We still have certain topics we can't even use literal language, but choose metaphors or text symbols.  And we're adults! 

So next time you're thinking about banning phone use, try texting your kid instead of yelling at them and see what comes out.  Remember that being a teenager sucks far more than being the parent of one.  Be the adult, have the patience, quit feeling sorry for yourself, and try to be there for this defensive and terrified coming-of-age human being.  What works best for me is admitting my own mistakes of the past and acknowledging that crappy time of my life, hugs, and inviting him to join us in adult conversations.

7 Drafts

As it stands right now I have 7 draft blog posts waiting in the queue.  I don't know if they'll ever be finished.  I didn't like the last post, and it was written months ago... but, I decided to let it live anyway.  I want to delete it.  It's passive aggressive and I don't like it.  I agree with the content, but I don't like it.  I have a really hard time allowing "imperfect ideas" to be broadcast.  I am constantly changing and growing, and writing has always been a place for me to reflect back and learn something about myself.  Generally speaking, it's not what I've done right, but what I've done wrong.  So, there are plenty of things I say that I don't feel I explained well or that I don't even agree with anymore.  They are these weird over-exaggerations or reactions to ideas that I haven't fully processed.  I get super nervous about sharing, no matter how favorable the reactions have been.

I have a hard time deciding whether or not to publish imperfection, even though I logically know that nothing will ever be perfect!  Here I am, trying to model "mistakes are normal" behavior, but I know I have a hard time acting on that truth in certain areas of my own life.  I say expressing personal boundaries is very important, but I routinely practice avoidance of expressing those boundaries.  I am especially unsure about intellectual and social boundaries.  I do not speak my mind like... ever... when I am in uncomfortable situations.  I want to model behavior to my kids that says "your opinions and wants are valuable", but I have a really hard time buying into that for myself.  Lately I have been doing a pretty awesome job at saying what is bothering me, and the response has never been the gigantic emotional outburst I feared.  But, I also have realized I am in some pretty emotionally abusive relationships and am unsure of where to go from here.  I have also had the displeasure of realizing I myself am guilty of being emotionally abusive and am working to repair those mindsets and behaviors.  I'm stuck not knowing whether my reactions are the result of creating healthy boundaries, or whether I am still operating out of fear.  I don't feel healthy enough to be honest in the moment, and I avoid people who would test me.  I find myself not understanding how I actually feel because I have no practice with it.  I have a lot of questions I cannot answer.  This of course all plays out in relationships with other people.  Communicating honestly and directly with others has never been my strong point.  But I'm working on it.

This has kept me from being able to maintain friendships.  My friendships that did last for any period of time tended to be with mentally-ill people and I focused on helping them or fixing them.  I could be honest with them because they were "more messed up than me" so it was safe.  But, I still would justify not expressing my wants in those relationships as a means to help the other person.  I would spend all of my time with them, avoiding self-reflection, avoiding living my own life.  It's not helpful.  Those relationships were about avoiding my own self-analysis and self-discovery by focusing on someone else.  Those relationships were about being linked to someone who makes me feel superior and bolsters my self esteem a little.  Sometimes those relationships were about being more comfortable as a codependent and pushover rather than an equal partner.  I in no way regret those friendships and I love those people.  I learned a lot from those relationships, but I am ready for healthy friends now.  I'm ready to be a healthier friend now.

How do I know?  I have healthy friends!  I've been fostering new relationships with healthy people and it is completely new to me!  I remember when I first tried to reach out to people I actually admired I was filled with the dread of rejection.  No way am I worthy of this friendship!  It took me weeks of conversations before the voice in my head stopped telling me the person was only there because they "felt bad for me".  Now I see that's because my old friendships were mainly built on feigned guilt and a need to feel like the better person so I would have control in the relationship (like that ever really happens).  Any healthy friends I had in the past I never speak to... why would I?  They don't want to hear from me!  I don't know what a healthy friendship looks like because all I have to go off of are movies, TV, and trial and error.  I find myself asking questions that shouldn't be so difficult to answer.

Do I really feel this way or do I just think this is how I am supposed to feel?
Have I chosen this friend because I actually like them and benefit from this friendship, or do I feel an obligation to mirror their emotions about me?
Have I chosen this friend at all or am I being forced into a relationship?
Can I trust myself to know how I feel and stand up for myself with this person?
Do I want this relationship or am I allowing it out of guilt?

Where did this come from?  I've never seen my parents with friends.  Ever.  Only family members.  I've been shamed for spending time with friends or having friends in my life and I've heard my siblings get shamed for the same reason.  Discouraging outsiders is a way to control family dynamics, to keep things hidden, keep abuse alive, contain the shame of being abused.  There is a lot of substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, and depression in my family.  We don't feel like love and acceptance is a given and we don't trust one another with personal information, especially if it's "bad news" because we all can't stand complainers... just go freakin' do something about it!!  We suppress our inner victim and invalidate our pain so we've grown to hate seeing it in anyone else.  We were taught to suffer in silence.  Love is earned by acceptable behavior only.  This is the result of having an alcoholic in the house with PTSD and an enabler who made excuses for abuse by placing his issues above the health and safety of others.  Those broken children had children and raised us to hide things, to "get over it", not to expect anyone other than family to understand, to be ashamed if you're a victim of abuse.  Admitting to abuse embarrasses the family.  Contain the abuse.  Protect the abuser.  Take responsibility for causing the abuse and never expect any respect from them.  It's our job to understand and accept abuse, not to expect the abuser to take responsibility for healing.  No wonder we have a hard time.  We will stop talking to someone completely rather than have a fight.  When we finally do fight it's releasing years of repression, super explosive, and can effectively terminate the relationship.  Many of us have been working on trusting each other with our true selves and it's rebuilding our relationships.  Many of us have come to accept the fact that some relationships will never be healthy, and sharing DNA is not a good enough reason to feel guilty about that.

As I've come to take responsibility for my own emotions, and not the emotions of everyone else it's been a lot easier to listen to people when they're having a hard time and not take it personally.  I would have panic attacks if I felt like someone was about to express criticism, no matter if it was directed towards me or not.  That's no longer the case.  I used to hate being around healthy, secure people because it took so much work to appear normal.  Now I let my crazy out, listen when they tell me I'm reacting inappropriately, and let go of that burden of fulfilling the expectations of others that's usually driving my behavior.  I definitely still am a little crazy, but I see a lot of positive changes!  Now I'm dealing with my boundary issues and trying to get a hold of what I want and who I am.  I'm working on convincing myself that I deserve to be respected, and that rejection is not a given.  I'm working on accepting my own boundaries as acceptable and not as unfair burdens to place on others.  My "just deal with it" attitude is being replaced... slowly but surely.  I realized people with healthy boundaries have no problem listening to and respecting the boundaries of others.

The level of respect, freedom of choice, and autonomy we have granted our kids is allowing me to do the same for myself.  I recently listened to Pam Laricchia's podcast with Jessica Hughes and this experience between Jessica and her husband really resonated with me:

"We talked about our own childhoods because we have an inner child that was wounded. It’s healing through the unschooling journey and through the closeness we’ve had with our own children. It’s almost like mothering and fathering ourselves, to an extent, as well... "

Amen.  Starting unschooling really kicked the personal growth into high gear for me.  It's been wild.  I'm putting myself out into the community more as I accept that my words have value.

Confusing Correlation with Causation

I am tired of the articles shaming kids for being all into their cell phones and gaming, and shaming their parents for not controlling them better.  They log the time spent on phones in school, and then point to it as a cause instead of a symptom.  Maybe kids are on their phones and in games because we've increasingly tightened our collective grip on all their decision making and sociability.  We've taken all their free time.  We force them to do what we say... all damn day and night.  Children are to be controlled.  Newsflash: that's abuse.  How do victims of emotional abuse react to their abusers? 

"While staying in an abusive relationship the victim uses coping strategies.  These coping strategies tend to be self-protective in nature; they include denial, minimization, addictions, arguing, defensiveness, rationalization, compliance, detachment, and dissociation."

"The relationship will end up being a system, where the abuser does whatever the hell he or she wants and the victims become programmed to cope with it in some way.  Victims may comply, “numb out,” take anti-depressants, live in a detached state of being, pretend that everything’s fine, etc. "

Sounds like school-aged kids to me.  Stop focusing on the device and look at the ONE COMMONALITY all these kids have.  School.  Same goes for school shootings.  It's not the presence of guns.  We've had the 2nd amendment since the constitution was written so I highly doubt it's suddenly becoming a problem because of a legal issue.  We've had schooling for a long time... what has changed?  What has actually changed?  I think it's our values and schedules.  It's our lack of mental health awareness and self-care.  It's our institutions that promote depression and abuse and prime us to expect misery.

I can read through this list and spot many times I felt like school was guilty of being emotionally abusive towards myself (when I was younger) and towards my kids.  Then of course there's this little chestnut:

"19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.

Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household."

My question is this: at what point are our children NOT to be managed or controlled?  Why is control and management of young people the expected practice, rather than guidance and connection?  When do we stop being our parent's problem and have personal responsibility for ourselves?  Are we as a society allowing kids to slowly come to this adult stage, letting them learn the lessons they need to become adults?  What tools/strategies should kids learn to become successful adults?  Is their schooling a part of this process?

I just ask you all to check in with your child and make sure school is a place they want to be.  If they are not feeling respected or engaged, valuable, or feel what they're doing is going to benefit them later on... please consider other options.  There are many schools out there not guilty of this at all!  Many wonderful teachers and amazing places who value children and foster real learning (and some of them are indeed public schools).  I'm not against all schooling.  I'm against schooling as a means to control and indoctrinate children.  I'm against detachment from the process itself.  School is not the only option and no one should feel trapped by lack of choices, whether parent or child.  Misery should not be "just the way it is".  If schooling is helping guide a child into adulthood by giving them opportunities to learn valuable skills like negotiating social situations, dealing with emotions, critical thinking, self-reliance... I'm all for a school that cares about whole child development.  Check in and make sure your child is being helped by school, not harmed.

Parakeets

We really didn't want more pets, but honestly, I think letting Brennan get a parakeet was one of the best parenting decision we've ever made.  Letting him get a 2nd one was another great decision.  The third one... well she's kind of a jerk, but we love her anyway.  And the 4th one helped them all simmer down a little.  4 is where we draw the line! hahaha

This kid literally cries with happiness when he holds his birds.  He tells me all about how each one makes him feel different energies, and how they comfort him.  He cried when we were away for the weekend because he missed Bubbles.  Then he got Kiwi to keep her company, and she's a completely different personality.

Coco is very anti-social, but he always tells me he never once thought of giving her back.  Even though she bites really hard and is afraid of people "she bonded to the other birds and she'd be too sad... it's not her fault she got traumatized by being caught in a net".  She has mellowed out a ton since we got the new cage and a 4th bird.

Cyan (he says it's pronounced Ki-Ann) walked up to him in the pet store so she technically adopted Brennan.  He has learned a lot from being a budgie owner over this past year.  He also builds  interesting play areas for them.
 
Brennan is thoroughly enjoying the differences between his budgies, how they feel, how they make him feel, how they interact with each other.  He is being their parent, which carries with it the added bonus of a sneak preview into the type of Dad he's going to be (should he choose that path).  I'd also like to think some of what he does is emulating his own parents.  If that's the case we rock at this!

First Year Reflections

I started writing this a long time ago, but am only just now finishing it up...

March
One of the most difficult undertakings for all people, is that of critical self analysis.  As April approaches and we near our first official meeting with the school board to justify our learning philosophy, I'm both excited and terrified.  I still struggle very much with my own feelings of self-doubt, especially as it relates to my intellectual abilities, but I'm getting a little better every day.  This year has been an amazing experience for all of us, trying at times, but overall very beneficial for our little family.  So what are my perceptions on what were the highlights?

Mental Health:  We now have 3 happy kids who feel confident, loved, valuable, and respected as people with their own agency.  Before we began this process we had one very depressed child, one incredibly angry child, and one overwhelmed and confused child.  What I've realized is that traditional schooling was inhibiting their ability to form personal boundaries: physical, intellectual, social, and emotional boundaries were being drawn for them or worse, they were forming boundaries and having them completely disrespected or crossed in the name of "that's just how it is".  Well, that doesn't mean it's right.

May
I was so sure the portfolio review process was going to be awful.  I had convinced myself the whole education system was against me and was going to interrogate me under a critical spotlight.  My own insecurities activated that saboteur side of me that was going to basically show up as a suicide bomber and destroy myself and everything around me.  Thankfully, I spoke to reasonable and knowledgeable people ahead of time to calm myself down and just get ready like a normal person.  If you're wondering how to do a review as an unschooling family, here's what I did.

I went back and looked at my photos, and made an album specifically for all our field trips accompanied by a printed out list of them and what subjects(s) they were focused on.  I did a write-up for all three of the boys in each subject of what they have been up to during this time and how they have shown their learning in each area.  I also made a watch list of what they have all seen and what subject(s) were covered and a little write-up of what we learned from each.

Next review I am going to bring more examples of writing or art (if they actually have done any) and bring a reading list of the books they have looked into.

The reviewers were so kind and accepting of alternative ideas.  They didn't judge me at all.  They wanted the assessment to go well and for everything to be approved.  They were incredibly helpful and positive.  I will not be nervous again for sure.  I'm annoyed with myself that I go to that place of expecting criticism when I'm feeling vulnerable.  However, I know I'm not alone!  It's just how humans are.  Getting to know ourselves is paramount to being able to work within our limits.

Deschooling

I haven't posted in forever. This first "semester" of unschooling has been quite a learning experience. I didn't realize it would be the parents, not the kids, who had the most difficulty deschooling!

I have to laugh at my previous post.  Those charts didn't even last a day, and they definitely weren't for the kids. Those charts were for my own comfort. The anxiety about having to DO SOMETHING or I'm somehow neglecting the kids was really pervasive and insistent.  The reactions and concerns from others influenced our comfort level.  We parents had some heated debates... and fights.

Eventually something changed. We were able to look back and see how much happier we ALL are because of this. Most of the reactions I get from people when I tell them we're self directed learners, is "my kids would drive me crazy".  If your goal is support instead of control, it's pretty easy actually.  It's so much easier than school!  We had spent our entire lives trying to live in the approved societal time slot 9 to 6 on weekdays and weekends.  That's just not enough life for me.  I don't want to wait until I'm retired to live.  As we are deschooling (because I'm not sure it ever really finishes) I find myself asking questions.

I found a lot of interesting patterns in the information I was seeking.  The ideas of  "obedience" and "compliance" are pushed really hard onto children (and onto their mothers), but are not considered beneficial to mental health.  Personal boundaries are definitely important to mental health!!  However, having someone else set your personal boundaries, or not allow you any input whatsoever about your own comfort, is the definition of an abusive relationship.

Picture a successful adult.  Are they mindlessly droning on and following orders?  Hell no!  So, why are we pushing this on our children?  Do we expect to raise them to be compliant and then they'll magically become independent, confident, and creative?  There's a huge difference between moral and obedient.  Obedient children are more likely to be targeted for molestation because they are taught to never question adults, to keep their voices down, and never say NO to a grown-up.  Why do you think predators flock to religious organizations to find their victims?  Compliant, obedient, defeated people are easy targets.  We are hurting our children by projecting our own fears onto them.