Benefits of Passive Communication

When it comes to teens and electronics, every parent seems to have a complaint about the time spent on it.  Well, lemme share with you some experiences that helped me realize the massive benefits for our relationships we tend to never talk about.

Our teenager has been going through the typical teen issues: trying to figure out what type of schedule is best for his health, how to balance his wants and needs, what to talk about with friends and how, who he really is, who he wants to be.  There are so many things that pop up in a teen's brain that they may want to talk about, but dealing with the inconvenience and discomfort of finding a time to sit down face-to-face with a parent or adult and speak openly about any of it seems insurmountable.  That's why we love texting, emailing, blogging, and other forms of passive communication.  Suddenly we have the opportunity to speak to each other at completely different times and the anxiety of having that awkward conversation can melt away (or at least be decreased a bit).  We don't even have to be in the same country to have a conversation now!  With that physical distance comes comfort. 

When I was a teenager the internet was dial-up and we all used chatrooms.  We couldn't even upload pictures yet.  It was liberating.  I flirted and opened up and used language I'd never use in person!  It was a place to experiment with communication and its consequences and I learned a lot.  I had a billion questions, but there was no google to answer any of them.  I never asked anything anyway.  I lived in fear that I had cancers and was going to hell for a billion different reasons.  I had massive anxiety, probably depression.  I felt trapped, alone, and terrified, but it never seemed that way to anyone else.

What I love about passive communication is that I can choose whether or not to be communicative.  If I'm not feeling like talking to a particular person, I can just not read their email/text yet.  I don't have to respond.  I don't have to go through the agony of trying to figure out what to emote or say.  I get crazy stressed when someone complains to me about someone else because I feel like I'm being asked to agree, or gossip, or mirror their emotions and sentiments towards that person.  I realize this is all in my own head and I'm not actually being asked to do any of those things.  I have my own issues with thinking I am disappointing everyone and not living up to expectations they have of me, so it triggers this downward spiral of self-loathing and anxiety about myself.  Phone calls... I won't answer them if they are from people I'm not comfortable with, which are usually people who seem to go out of their way to make me uncomfortable by trying to force me into social situations, or bringing up the same divisive topics over and over, or reacting negatively to any attempt I make at asserting my boundaries: "you're just stubborn" or "you'll change your mind later" or "you just don't understand me" or "you're overreacting".  Of course I never tell them and they may never know because they insist on only communicating with me in active ways that make me too uncomfortable to be honest with them.  It's a process.  I'm working on a great many things haha.  Suffice it to say - I really like that there's passive communication. 

My husband and I dealt with marital issues using only passive communication.  We had to build up to more active face-to-face communication with various topics.  As adults.  Because sometimes your physical reactions to an issue or a topic can be influenced by your deep fears, expectations and insecurities, and having the physical space to let those insecurities exist is just what the doctor ordered.  Sometimes using our actual voice is just not an option.  At first I only wrote to myself about some of my concerns!  We hand-wrote letters, moved to emails, then texting, and eventually were able to do phone calls... and finally face-to-face.  We still have times where we take advantage of the comfort and security of distance that passive communication provides.  We still slide into insecurity and fear and can't face each other.  We still have certain topics we can't even use literal language, but choose metaphors or text symbols.  And we're adults! 

So next time you're thinking about banning phone use, try texting your kid instead of yelling at them and see what comes out.  Remember that being a teenager sucks far more than being the parent of one.  Be the adult, have the patience, quit feeling sorry for yourself, and try to be there for this defensive and terrified coming-of-age human being.  What works best for me is admitting my own mistakes of the past and acknowledging that crappy time of my life, hugs, and inviting him to join us in adult conversations.

7 Drafts

As it stands right now I have 7 draft blog posts waiting in the queue.  I don't know if they'll ever be finished.  I didn't like the last post, and it was written months ago... but, I decided to let it live anyway.  I want to delete it.  It's passive aggressive and I don't like it.  I agree with the content, but I don't like it.  I have a really hard time allowing "imperfect ideas" to be broadcast.  I am constantly changing and growing, and writing has always been a place for me to reflect back and learn something about myself.  Generally speaking, it's not what I've done right, but what I've done wrong.  So, there are plenty of things I say that I don't feel I explained well or that I don't even agree with anymore.  They are these weird over-exaggerations or reactions to ideas that I haven't fully processed.  I get super nervous about sharing, no matter how favorable the reactions have been.

I have a hard time deciding whether or not to publish imperfection, even though I logically know that nothing will ever be perfect!  Here I am, trying to model "mistakes are normal" behavior, but I know I have a hard time acting on that truth in certain areas of my own life.  I say expressing personal boundaries is very important, but I routinely practice avoidance of expressing those boundaries.  I am especially unsure about intellectual and social boundaries.  I do not speak my mind like... ever... when I am in uncomfortable situations.  I want to model behavior to my kids that says "your opinions and wants are valuable", but I have a really hard time buying into that for myself.  Lately I have been doing a pretty awesome job at saying what is bothering me, and the response has never been the gigantic emotional outburst I feared.  But, I also have realized I am in some pretty emotionally abusive relationships and am unsure of where to go from here.  I have also had the displeasure of realizing I myself am guilty of being emotionally abusive and am working to repair those mindsets and behaviors.  I'm stuck not knowing whether my reactions are the result of creating healthy boundaries, or whether I am still operating out of fear.  I don't feel healthy enough to be honest in the moment, and I avoid people who would test me.  I find myself not understanding how I actually feel because I have no practice with it.  I have a lot of questions I cannot answer.  This of course all plays out in relationships with other people.  Communicating honestly and directly with others has never been my strong point.  But I'm working on it.

This has kept me from being able to maintain friendships.  My friendships that did last for any period of time tended to be with mentally-ill people and I focused on helping them or fixing them.  I could be honest with them because they were "more messed up than me" so it was safe.  But, I still would justify not expressing my wants in those relationships as a means to help the other person.  I would spend all of my time with them, avoiding self-reflection, avoiding living my own life.  It's not helpful.  Those relationships were about avoiding my own self-analysis and self-discovery by focusing on someone else.  Those relationships were about being linked to someone who makes me feel superior and bolsters my self esteem a little.  Sometimes those relationships were about being more comfortable as a codependent and pushover rather than an equal partner.  I in no way regret those friendships and I love those people.  I learned a lot from those relationships, but I am ready for healthy friends now.  I'm ready to be a healthier friend now.

How do I know?  I have healthy friends!  I've been fostering new relationships with healthy people and it is completely new to me!  I remember when I first tried to reach out to people I actually admired I was filled with the dread of rejection.  No way am I worthy of this friendship!  It took me weeks of conversations before the voice in my head stopped telling me the person was only there because they "felt bad for me".  Now I see that's because my old friendships were mainly built on feigned guilt and a need to feel like the better person so I would have control in the relationship (like that ever really happens).  Any healthy friends I had in the past I never speak to... why would I?  They don't want to hear from me!  I don't know what a healthy friendship looks like because all I have to go off of are movies, TV, and trial and error.  I find myself asking questions that shouldn't be so difficult to answer.

Do I really feel this way or do I just think this is how I am supposed to feel?
Have I chosen this friend because I actually like them and benefit from this friendship, or do I feel an obligation to mirror their emotions about me?
Have I chosen this friend at all or am I being forced into a relationship?
Can I trust myself to know how I feel and stand up for myself with this person?
Do I want this relationship or am I allowing it out of guilt?

Where did this come from?  I've never seen my parents with friends.  Ever.  Only family members.  I've been shamed for spending time with friends or having friends in my life and I've heard my siblings get shamed for the same reason.  Discouraging outsiders is a way to control family dynamics, to keep things hidden, keep abuse alive, contain the shame of being abused.  There is a lot of substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, and depression in my family.  We don't feel like love and acceptance is a given and we don't trust one another with personal information, especially if it's "bad news" because we all can't stand complainers... just go freakin' do something about it!!  We suppress our inner victim and invalidate our pain so we've grown to hate seeing it in anyone else.  We were taught to suffer in silence.  Love is earned by acceptable behavior only.  This is the result of having an alcoholic in the house with PTSD and an enabler who made excuses for abuse by placing his issues above the health and safety of others.  Those broken children had children and raised us to hide things, to "get over it", not to expect anyone other than family to understand, to be ashamed if you're a victim of abuse.  Admitting to abuse embarrasses the family.  Contain the abuse.  Protect the abuser.  Take responsibility for causing the abuse and never expect any respect from them.  It's our job to understand and accept abuse, not to expect the abuser to take responsibility for healing.  No wonder we have a hard time.  We will stop talking to someone completely rather than have a fight.  When we finally do fight it's releasing years of repression, super explosive, and can effectively terminate the relationship.  Many of us have been working on trusting each other with our true selves and it's rebuilding our relationships.  Many of us have come to accept the fact that some relationships will never be healthy, and sharing DNA is not a good enough reason to feel guilty about that.

As I've come to take responsibility for my own emotions, and not the emotions of everyone else it's been a lot easier to listen to people when they're having a hard time and not take it personally.  I would have panic attacks if I felt like someone was about to express criticism, no matter if it was directed towards me or not.  That's no longer the case.  I used to hate being around healthy, secure people because it took so much work to appear normal.  Now I let my crazy out, listen when they tell me I'm reacting inappropriately, and let go of that burden of fulfilling the expectations of others that's usually driving my behavior.  I definitely still am a little crazy, but I see a lot of positive changes!  Now I'm dealing with my boundary issues and trying to get a hold of what I want and who I am.  I'm working on convincing myself that I deserve to be respected, and that rejection is not a given.  I'm working on accepting my own boundaries as acceptable and not as unfair burdens to place on others.  My "just deal with it" attitude is being replaced... slowly but surely.  I realized people with healthy boundaries have no problem listening to and respecting the boundaries of others.

The level of respect, freedom of choice, and autonomy we have granted our kids is allowing me to do the same for myself.  I recently listened to Pam Laricchia's podcast with Jessica Hughes and this experience between Jessica and her husband really resonated with me:

"We talked about our own childhoods because we have an inner child that was wounded. It’s healing through the unschooling journey and through the closeness we’ve had with our own children. It’s almost like mothering and fathering ourselves, to an extent, as well... "

Amen.  Starting unschooling really kicked the personal growth into high gear for me.  It's been wild.  I'm putting myself out into the community more as I accept that my words have value.

Deschooling

I haven't posted in forever. This first "semester" of unschooling has been quite a learning experience. I didn't realize it would be the parents, not the kids, who had the most difficulty deschooling!

I have to laugh at my previous post.  Those charts didn't even last a day, and they definitely weren't for the kids. Those charts were for my own comfort. The anxiety about having to DO SOMETHING or I'm somehow neglecting the kids was really pervasive and insistent.  The reactions and concerns from others influenced our comfort level.  We parents had some heated debates... and fights.

Eventually something changed. We were able to look back and see how much happier we ALL are because of this. Most of the reactions I get from people when I tell them we're self directed learners, is "my kids would drive me crazy".  If your goal is support instead of control, it's pretty easy actually.  It's so much easier than school!  We had spent our entire lives trying to live in the approved societal time slot 9 to 6 on weekdays and weekends.  That's just not enough life for me.  I don't want to wait until I'm retired to live.  As we are deschooling (because I'm not sure it ever really finishes) I find myself asking questions.

I found a lot of interesting patterns in the information I was seeking.  The ideas of  "obedience" and "compliance" are pushed really hard onto children (and onto their mothers), but are not considered beneficial to mental health.  Personal boundaries are definitely important to mental health!!  However, having someone else set your personal boundaries, or not allow you any input whatsoever about your own comfort, is the definition of an abusive relationship.

Picture a successful adult.  Are they mindlessly droning on and following orders?  Hell no!  So, why are we pushing this on our children?  Do we expect to raise them to be compliant and then they'll magically become independent, confident, and creative?  There's a huge difference between moral and obedient.  Obedient children are more likely to be targeted for molestation because they are taught to never question adults, to keep their voices down, and never say NO to a grown-up.  Why do you think predators flock to religious organizations to find their victims?  Compliant, obedient, defeated people are easy targets.  We are hurting our children by projecting our own fears onto them.

Summer is Ending

With every new "1st day of school" photo in my newsfeed, I'm admittedly more nervous about unschooling.  I'm also really excited about my own schooling starting back up.  This is going to be an interesting adventure for us all.  Rather than focusing on my doubt and discomfort, I'm going to remind myself that we are capable and resourceful.

Here's just a few of the resources I've found over the summer that we might be giving a try.  Most of them are science... because I love science.  There's a broad smattering of everything else, including Minecraft and Legos!

                   

                       

The Fear of Losing Control

I can tell there has been a parenting shift in our house because the kids are so different!  They still ask permission for everything (because I am still the parent), but their requests have gotten more bold and interesting.  Not only that, but they do these things without hesitation or trepidation when I say yes.  Tristan's self confidence level has risen enough that he will not only try something new, but he'll do it without supervision!  This is a remarkable shift for him especially.

"Mom can I make a scented hand sanitizer from herbs outside?" -B
"Mom can we buy lemons so I can make lemonade for everyone?" -T
"Mom can we go on a jog through the neighborhood in the morning?  It just feels right." -T
"Mom can I make a cake?" -B
"Mom can we make a video of how many rubber bands it would take to break a lemon?" -T
"Mom have you ever been obsessed with something and you just couldn't stop until you beat it?" -N
"Mom can I have a YouTube channel?" -N

The most difficult task has been to let the obsessions happen.  I really really want to kick Noah off of his games, but why?  If he was building with Legos instead of Minecraft would I feel the same?  No... because I would see him and what he is doing, and because Legos don't have a negative connotation in society.  Minecraft is social at least.  When I let him be, he takes breaks.  In fact, he spent an entire day off of the games without it being Saturday because he had run out of achievements to earn and it had become boring to him.  He's about to be 13, and I remember everything about all those teenage years.  None of it centered around my family.  I remember watching my older sister go through it and she was the same, all about friends, and that's when I got very close to my younger brother.  This is a natural part of the process of growing up.

Teen-hood is the time we begin exploring beyond our family unit and into the realm of how do I want to interact with the world outside.  I remember the freedom I had!  What a gift!  All I did all summer long was call my friends and take off on my bike... no cell phone required.  Come home when the street lights come on.  We were all over the place, meeting up with other kids from the neighborhood.  I couldn't tell you what most of their parents looked like.  We were far from home and unafraid, and we rarely spoke to an adult.  We came home when we were starving and couldn't take it anymore.  I learned a lot of valuable lessons about interaction, emotions, what motivates people, and communication.  I screwed up a bunch of times and I had to fix it myself or move on.  I stayed up all night long in chatrooms and on fake worlds where I felt liberated by people liking me for my personality, not my appearance.  I was empowered by the lack of physical threat if I flirted and didn't follow through.  When Josh was 13 he had his own business mowing lawns complete with employees, self-bought equipment, regular clients, and he used all his profits for video games and Legos.  He was driving and dating very early and juggling full schedules of work and play.  We both joined the military young and got married really early because we were lucky to have parents who let us grow up.  Technology is how they meet up now, and it's not necessarily better or worse.  It's where we are as a society.  Maybe this generation will be the ones who finally are OK with everyone working from home.  No more traffic or commutes or set working hours.  No more buildings to maintain... food for thought.

When I look back at those memories they help me re-gain perspective and re-dedicate myself to the self-directed cause.  We do not need to control our children.  They will be safe and fine.  They can be trusted not to be total jerks or wildly dangerous.  They can be trusted not to jump into a paneled pervy van or play with a loaded gun.  They just want to go be kids and play at being adults.  They will play all the dumb games we did like Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, 7 Minutes in Heaven, sneak peeks at nudie pictures and each other, and have ridiculous secret conversations about sex... because exploring that aspect of ourselves requires outside motivation to overcome the fear.  We don't have to catch them or prevent them.  We don't have to outsmart them (we already know).  We protect and we guide.  The hardest part about being a parent for me is allowing mistakes to happen so they can learn about the process of fixing it and moving on... resiliency doesn't come from discussions, it comes from experience.

They cannot learn to fly if they never leave the nest.  Teenagers are those fledgling birds hopping around on the ground, finding places to hide and wait until Mom comes around to feed them once in awhile.

Screentime

Our generation is at a unique crossroads.  Technology is advancing quickly and we're left squirming in the discomfort of trying to solve a new parenting dilemma - how much screen time is too much?  This is especially difficult when you're trying to encourage self-directed learning, and imposing control and regulations can get in the way of that process.  So what do we do?  I don't know, but I can tell you what we did.

Saturday Unplugged is something we started back in 2011 as a means to prioritize family time (and curb obsession with screens in the process) for all of us.  It was very hard for the parents to do, probably more-so than the kids.  We were pretty religious about it up until all the kids were in school and spending so much time away from home and devices, it seemed no longer necessary.  We did still do it every summer though.  Long story short, we're bringing it back full time.  Since everyone is used to it at this point, no complaints happen.  We're all pretty good about entertaining ourselves or each other.  It's been great.

We had a family discussion where we asked the kids themselves what they think about screen time and what should be done.  They all had completely different opinions so we're letting them self-regulate.  I encouraged them to notice how they feel physically and emotionally throughout the day to see where their own limits lie.  I'm trying really hard not to put too fine a point on it.  We're looking at it like an experiment that we can compare results later on.  There's no immediacy, just curiosity.  This should be a great learning experience for self-awareness, self-regulation, self-control, and goal-setting.  Our goal is to notice when we become anxious or agitated, and to see if maybe too much screen time is the reason we feel unbalanced.

Balance is a funny thing... people assume it means "evenness", but that's untrue.  Balance is simply the point at which both sides are having an equal effect within the system.  I need a ton of nature time to feel balanced, Josh and Noah don't.  Tristan needs way more exercise than we do, and more time with others.  Brennan needs a lot of alone time for building and creating.  We are all completely different people with different needs, so setting an arbitrary limit wasn't going to work for us.  Thankfully, our kids aren't babies anymore and can form complex thoughts and self-analyze... otherwise this would be a pointless exercise.

We also used different scientific studies to make our decisions.  This video was a big help in showing the importance of allowing our entire brains to be utilized.

Family Goals - Intentional Parenting

I'm sharing with you all the first draft of our family Constitution that will be amended and ratified over the course of our lives together I'm sure :)  This provides us with a clear reference point when making decisions for our family so we keep living intentionally with clear goals in mind.  This allows us to make decisions that fit our goals instead of being on "autopilot" based on cultural norms.  Having clearly defined parenting goals allows us to critically evaluate our actions and motivations, and to change if needed.

What are our goals for our children? What values do we wish to instill in them before they venture out into the world? What is a “successful person” to us? 1. HAPPY - “feeling pleasure and contentment” is the definition of happiness. What tools can we give our kids that will help them find and keep their happiness? Start with the strengths test from authentichappiness. This will give us a personal platform to begin from with each child. This goal encompasses all other goals. a. Gratitude - be able to show gratitude for their present situation and focus on reasons to be thankful rather than critical, without condemning their ability to judge something critically or be unhappy with a situation. Help them work through the discomfort of unhappiness as a normal process that isn’t wrong, and highlight the practice of finding gratitude as a way to cope with anxiety.
b. Personal Responsibility - be able to take responsibility for your own actions, understanding that every action has a reaction. There is always a consequence, and it’s not always bad! Point out all the reactions and consequences, not just the “bad” ones so they can see the balance that is struck at all times. Point out the inherent control over only ourselves, and not every part of ourselves, and find peace with the lack of control on every other front. We are part of nature and nature is always seeking a balance… what part are you playing right now? How can you change it? c. Self Regulation - Start off with guidelines and controls and taper them off to complete independence. Have them personally log things like screen time, sleep, diet, exercise, hydration… so they can really see where their time is being spent and get a clearer picture of their day-to-day lives. Time management is a part of this! How long does it take me to do ___? How much time do I spend on my tablet? d. Self Awareness - The five senses: Body, Feeling, Perception, Intention and Consciousness. Use meditation and midfulness to bring their awareness to their physical body and how it feels, their own emotions, their inner thoughts, their motivations, and their manifestations/actions. Bring back the alone time. We want them to be thoughtful and deliberate people who see themselves and others clearly. e. Self Confidence - Conquering fear starts with learning your own strengths. Start with the strengths test and use their biggest assets to help them improve and grow. Take a look at what they believe their biggest weaknesses are and see if they feel anxious or accepting of them. Allow them to try and try again. Keep practicing the art of failing, analyzing, re-designing, and re-trying. No matter the task… NO MATTER THE TASK! This very much includes mental health and stability practices. Encourage tiny victories. Cheer each other on. f. Self Care - Help them establish care plans that work for them. They can look stuff up online, take more quizzes, have conversations, go to therapy, whatever they come up with to discover what methods and tools work best for them. g. Sense of Purpose - It’s important for us to show them, in this world that highlights ultra-achievers, that just being yourself is an amazing accomplishment. Highlight the very smallest to the very biggest of things. Have them understand that all things are equally important, and no one job is more significant than another because all of it is interconnected. Interconnectedness and comfort with self leads to a sense of purpose. h. Connection to World - Interconnectedness, highlighting their own existence as an important and integral part of the gigantic universe. Establish this connection by teaching empathy, kindness and compassion. We are all important. 2. HEALTHY - Much of this can be accomplished through reaching our first set of goals, which is the mental side of healthcare that often gets lost in the civilian world. The other side, the physical side, is taught through study of how the internal systems function and how exercise and good eating habits affect those systems. a. Health - Understanding how the body functions and why healthy choices are important. Spend equal time on both physical and mental health! Look at the physical changes of poor mental health as well to show the connection. b. Diet - Building blocks of our entire bodies are molecules we get from what we eat and drink. Digestion and integration, food web, lifecycles. c. Activity - Look at building muscles, endurance, creating healthy habits. Look at the extreme ends of the spectrum and discuss where each one feels they fit in. Adventurous? d. Time in Nature - Resetting your senses is always a great idea. Both physical and mental health responses to time in nature. Importance of green spaces to health and welfare of biological organisms. Connect with ecology and instill love of nature and stewardship. 3. EMPOWERED & CAPABLE - facing fears willingly, being outside of your comfort zone in order to learn and grow. Believing in yourself and your abilities to accomplish something, or if not, to learn from failure. Resiliency! a. Personal Growth - Mastering the goals we laid out for happiness and understanding it is a lifetime practice and will always be changing. Be excited about that! b. Conquering Fear - Knowing what it feels like to be afraid and no longer allowing it to control what we want to accomplish. Be open and honest with them about how it’s hard even for adults. Let them see us conquer our fears. Communicate. c. Setting Reasonable Goals - Show them how to set small goals so that they can be successful. It’s great to focus on the future, but understand that it’s very hard to walk all that way without ever focusing on what’s right in front of you. Teach them how to look back at what they’ve done to give them a boost when they most need it. It’s completely normal to feel like a failure sometimes, and we’ll show them how we try to silence the saboteur. Learning the tools needed for resiliency. d. Independence - Managing time, working with finances, knowing your strengths, taking responsibility, having goals and knowing how to make a plan to reach them, being professional, working with others (because no one does anything truly alone and social skills are a must-have). Letting them take control of their own learning. 4. CREATIVE - We want our kids to be able to disconnect from (and recognize) society’s groupthink and boxes. We want them always asking themselves “why” or "what" before blindly believing something. Find the questions again. Art not required. a. Imagination - Let it run wild! Provide whatever resources we can to allow them to explore their imaginings. Give them lots of blank slates for their masterpieces. Say yes to trying new things. Be interested. Be inspired. Be excited. Listen. b. Originality - Using your own strengths and experiences to create new ideas and information. Exposure to all kinds of cultures and methods that can help them break free of the traditional American societal norms, and help them see alternatives exist… what other alternatives can you think of? c. Critical Thinking - What do I think, and why? What do I feel, and why? The art of thinking about thinking, and then effectively expressing your thoughts and opinions on a topic. Being willing to change your mind. d. Inquisitiveness and Skepticism - Intro to Logic, how to spot fake news, reliable sources, fact vs opinion, scientific method, creating an experiment based on an initial observation.