7 Drafts

As it stands right now I have 7 draft blog posts waiting in the queue.  I don't know if they'll ever be finished.  I didn't like the last post, and it was written months ago... but, I decided to let it live anyway.  I want to delete it.  It's passive aggressive and I don't like it.  I agree with the content, but I don't like it.  I have a really hard time allowing "imperfect ideas" to be broadcast.  I am constantly changing and growing, and writing has always been a place for me to reflect back and learn something about myself.  Generally speaking, it's not what I've done right, but what I've done wrong.  So, there are plenty of things I say that I don't feel I explained well or that I don't even agree with anymore.  They are these weird over-exaggerations or reactions to ideas that I haven't fully processed.  I get super nervous about sharing, no matter how favorable the reactions have been.

I have a hard time deciding whether or not to publish imperfection, even though I logically know that nothing will ever be perfect!  Here I am, trying to model "mistakes are normal" behavior, but I know I have a hard time acting on that truth in certain areas of my own life.  I say expressing personal boundaries is very important, but I routinely practice avoidance of expressing those boundaries.  I am especially unsure about intellectual and social boundaries.  I do not speak my mind like... ever... when I am in uncomfortable situations.  I want to model behavior to my kids that says "your opinions and wants are valuable", but I have a really hard time buying into that for myself.  Lately I have been doing a pretty awesome job at saying what is bothering me, and the response has never been the gigantic emotional outburst I feared.  But, I also have realized I am in some pretty emotionally abusive relationships and am unsure of where to go from here.  I have also had the displeasure of realizing I myself am guilty of being emotionally abusive and am working to repair those mindsets and behaviors.  I'm stuck not knowing whether my reactions are the result of creating healthy boundaries, or whether I am still operating out of fear.  I don't feel healthy enough to be honest in the moment, and I avoid people who would test me.  I find myself not understanding how I actually feel because I have no practice with it.  I have a lot of questions I cannot answer.  This of course all plays out in relationships with other people.  Communicating honestly and directly with others has never been my strong point.  But I'm working on it.

This has kept me from being able to maintain friendships.  My friendships that did last for any period of time tended to be with mentally-ill people and I focused on helping them or fixing them.  I could be honest with them because they were "more messed up than me" so it was safe.  But, I still would justify not expressing my wants in those relationships as a means to help the other person.  I would spend all of my time with them, avoiding self-reflection, avoiding living my own life.  It's not helpful.  Those relationships were about avoiding my own self-analysis and self-discovery by focusing on someone else.  Those relationships were about being linked to someone who makes me feel superior and bolsters my self esteem a little.  Sometimes those relationships were about being more comfortable as a codependent and pushover rather than an equal partner.  I in no way regret those friendships and I love those people.  I learned a lot from those relationships, but I am ready for healthy friends now.  I'm ready to be a healthier friend now.

How do I know?  I have healthy friends!  I've been fostering new relationships with healthy people and it is completely new to me!  I remember when I first tried to reach out to people I actually admired I was filled with the dread of rejection.  No way am I worthy of this friendship!  It took me weeks of conversations before the voice in my head stopped telling me the person was only there because they "felt bad for me".  Now I see that's because my old friendships were mainly built on feigned guilt and a need to feel like the better person so I would have control in the relationship (like that ever really happens).  Any healthy friends I had in the past I never speak to... why would I?  They don't want to hear from me!  I don't know what a healthy friendship looks like because all I have to go off of are movies, TV, and trial and error.  I find myself asking questions that shouldn't be so difficult to answer.

Do I really feel this way or do I just think this is how I am supposed to feel?
Have I chosen this friend because I actually like them and benefit from this friendship, or do I feel an obligation to mirror their emotions about me?
Have I chosen this friend at all or am I being forced into a relationship?
Can I trust myself to know how I feel and stand up for myself with this person?
Do I want this relationship or am I allowing it out of guilt?

Where did this come from?  I've never seen my parents with friends.  Ever.  Only family members.  I've been shamed for spending time with friends or having friends in my life and I've heard my siblings get shamed for the same reason.  Discouraging outsiders is a way to control family dynamics, to keep things hidden, keep abuse alive, contain the shame of being abused.  There is a lot of substance abuse, compulsive behaviors, and depression in my family.  We don't feel like love and acceptance is a given and we don't trust one another with personal information, especially if it's "bad news" because we all can't stand complainers... just go freakin' do something about it!!  We suppress our inner victim and invalidate our pain so we've grown to hate seeing it in anyone else.  We were taught to suffer in silence.  Love is earned by acceptable behavior only.  This is the result of having an alcoholic in the house with PTSD and an enabler who made excuses for abuse by placing his issues above the health and safety of others.  Those broken children had children and raised us to hide things, to "get over it", not to expect anyone other than family to understand, to be ashamed if you're a victim of abuse.  Admitting to abuse embarrasses the family.  Contain the abuse.  Protect the abuser.  Take responsibility for causing the abuse and never expect any respect from them.  It's our job to understand and accept abuse, not to expect the abuser to take responsibility for healing.  No wonder we have a hard time.  We will stop talking to someone completely rather than have a fight.  When we finally do fight it's releasing years of repression, super explosive, and can effectively terminate the relationship.  Many of us have been working on trusting each other with our true selves and it's rebuilding our relationships.  Many of us have come to accept the fact that some relationships will never be healthy, and sharing DNA is not a good enough reason to feel guilty about that.

As I've come to take responsibility for my own emotions, and not the emotions of everyone else it's been a lot easier to listen to people when they're having a hard time and not take it personally.  I would have panic attacks if I felt like someone was about to express criticism, no matter if it was directed towards me or not.  That's no longer the case.  I used to hate being around healthy, secure people because it took so much work to appear normal.  Now I let my crazy out, listen when they tell me I'm reacting inappropriately, and let go of that burden of fulfilling the expectations of others that's usually driving my behavior.  I definitely still am a little crazy, but I see a lot of positive changes!  Now I'm dealing with my boundary issues and trying to get a hold of what I want and who I am.  I'm working on convincing myself that I deserve to be respected, and that rejection is not a given.  I'm working on accepting my own boundaries as acceptable and not as unfair burdens to place on others.  My "just deal with it" attitude is being replaced... slowly but surely.  I realized people with healthy boundaries have no problem listening to and respecting the boundaries of others.

The level of respect, freedom of choice, and autonomy we have granted our kids is allowing me to do the same for myself.  I recently listened to Pam Laricchia's podcast with Jessica Hughes and this experience between Jessica and her husband really resonated with me:

"We talked about our own childhoods because we have an inner child that was wounded. It’s healing through the unschooling journey and through the closeness we’ve had with our own children. It’s almost like mothering and fathering ourselves, to an extent, as well... "

Amen.  Starting unschooling really kicked the personal growth into high gear for me.  It's been wild.  I'm putting myself out into the community more as I accept that my words have value.

Deschooling

I haven't posted in forever. This first "semester" of unschooling has been quite a learning experience. I didn't realize it would be the parents, not the kids, who had the most difficulty deschooling!

I have to laugh at my previous post.  Those charts didn't even last a day, and they definitely weren't for the kids. Those charts were for my own comfort. The anxiety about having to DO SOMETHING or I'm somehow neglecting the kids was really pervasive and insistent.  The reactions and concerns from others influenced our comfort level.  We parents had some heated debates... and fights.

Eventually something changed. We were able to look back and see how much happier we ALL are because of this. Most of the reactions I get from people when I tell them we're self directed learners, is "my kids would drive me crazy".  If your goal is support instead of control, it's pretty easy actually.  It's so much easier than school!  We had spent our entire lives trying to live in the approved societal time slot 9 to 6 on weekdays and weekends.  That's just not enough life for me.  I don't want to wait until I'm retired to live.  As we are deschooling (because I'm not sure it ever really finishes) I find myself asking questions.

I found a lot of interesting patterns in the information I was seeking.  The ideas of  "obedience" and "compliance" are pushed really hard onto children (and onto their mothers), but are not considered beneficial to mental health.  Personal boundaries are definitely important to mental health!!  However, having someone else set your personal boundaries, or not allow you any input whatsoever about your own comfort, is the definition of an abusive relationship.

Picture a successful adult.  Are they mindlessly droning on and following orders?  Hell no!  So, why are we pushing this on our children?  Do we expect to raise them to be compliant and then they'll magically become independent, confident, and creative?  There's a huge difference between moral and obedient.  Obedient children are more likely to be targeted for molestation because they are taught to never question adults, to keep their voices down, and never say NO to a grown-up.  Why do you think predators flock to religious organizations to find their victims?  Compliant, obedient, defeated people are easy targets.  We are hurting our children by projecting our own fears onto them.

Family Goals - Intentional Parenting

I'm sharing with you all the first draft of our family Constitution that will be amended and ratified over the course of our lives together I'm sure :)  This provides us with a clear reference point when making decisions for our family so we keep living intentionally with clear goals in mind.  This allows us to make decisions that fit our goals instead of being on "autopilot" based on cultural norms.  Having clearly defined parenting goals allows us to critically evaluate our actions and motivations, and to change if needed.

What are our goals for our children? What values do we wish to instill in them before they venture out into the world? What is a “successful person” to us? 1. HAPPY - “feeling pleasure and contentment” is the definition of happiness. What tools can we give our kids that will help them find and keep their happiness? Start with the strengths test from authentichappiness. This will give us a personal platform to begin from with each child. This goal encompasses all other goals. a. Gratitude - be able to show gratitude for their present situation and focus on reasons to be thankful rather than critical, without condemning their ability to judge something critically or be unhappy with a situation. Help them work through the discomfort of unhappiness as a normal process that isn’t wrong, and highlight the practice of finding gratitude as a way to cope with anxiety.
b. Personal Responsibility - be able to take responsibility for your own actions, understanding that every action has a reaction. There is always a consequence, and it’s not always bad! Point out all the reactions and consequences, not just the “bad” ones so they can see the balance that is struck at all times. Point out the inherent control over only ourselves, and not every part of ourselves, and find peace with the lack of control on every other front. We are part of nature and nature is always seeking a balance… what part are you playing right now? How can you change it? c. Self Regulation - Start off with guidelines and controls and taper them off to complete independence. Have them personally log things like screen time, sleep, diet, exercise, hydration… so they can really see where their time is being spent and get a clearer picture of their day-to-day lives. Time management is a part of this! How long does it take me to do ___? How much time do I spend on my tablet? d. Self Awareness - The five senses: Body, Feeling, Perception, Intention and Consciousness. Use meditation and midfulness to bring their awareness to their physical body and how it feels, their own emotions, their inner thoughts, their motivations, and their manifestations/actions. Bring back the alone time. We want them to be thoughtful and deliberate people who see themselves and others clearly. e. Self Confidence - Conquering fear starts with learning your own strengths. Start with the strengths test and use their biggest assets to help them improve and grow. Take a look at what they believe their biggest weaknesses are and see if they feel anxious or accepting of them. Allow them to try and try again. Keep practicing the art of failing, analyzing, re-designing, and re-trying. No matter the task… NO MATTER THE TASK! This very much includes mental health and stability practices. Encourage tiny victories. Cheer each other on. f. Self Care - Help them establish care plans that work for them. They can look stuff up online, take more quizzes, have conversations, go to therapy, whatever they come up with to discover what methods and tools work best for them. g. Sense of Purpose - It’s important for us to show them, in this world that highlights ultra-achievers, that just being yourself is an amazing accomplishment. Highlight the very smallest to the very biggest of things. Have them understand that all things are equally important, and no one job is more significant than another because all of it is interconnected. Interconnectedness and comfort with self leads to a sense of purpose. h. Connection to World - Interconnectedness, highlighting their own existence as an important and integral part of the gigantic universe. Establish this connection by teaching empathy, kindness and compassion. We are all important. 2. HEALTHY - Much of this can be accomplished through reaching our first set of goals, which is the mental side of healthcare that often gets lost in the civilian world. The other side, the physical side, is taught through study of how the internal systems function and how exercise and good eating habits affect those systems. a. Health - Understanding how the body functions and why healthy choices are important. Spend equal time on both physical and mental health! Look at the physical changes of poor mental health as well to show the connection. b. Diet - Building blocks of our entire bodies are molecules we get from what we eat and drink. Digestion and integration, food web, lifecycles. c. Activity - Look at building muscles, endurance, creating healthy habits. Look at the extreme ends of the spectrum and discuss where each one feels they fit in. Adventurous? d. Time in Nature - Resetting your senses is always a great idea. Both physical and mental health responses to time in nature. Importance of green spaces to health and welfare of biological organisms. Connect with ecology and instill love of nature and stewardship. 3. EMPOWERED & CAPABLE - facing fears willingly, being outside of your comfort zone in order to learn and grow. Believing in yourself and your abilities to accomplish something, or if not, to learn from failure. Resiliency! a. Personal Growth - Mastering the goals we laid out for happiness and understanding it is a lifetime practice and will always be changing. Be excited about that! b. Conquering Fear - Knowing what it feels like to be afraid and no longer allowing it to control what we want to accomplish. Be open and honest with them about how it’s hard even for adults. Let them see us conquer our fears. Communicate. c. Setting Reasonable Goals - Show them how to set small goals so that they can be successful. It’s great to focus on the future, but understand that it’s very hard to walk all that way without ever focusing on what’s right in front of you. Teach them how to look back at what they’ve done to give them a boost when they most need it. It’s completely normal to feel like a failure sometimes, and we’ll show them how we try to silence the saboteur. Learning the tools needed for resiliency. d. Independence - Managing time, working with finances, knowing your strengths, taking responsibility, having goals and knowing how to make a plan to reach them, being professional, working with others (because no one does anything truly alone and social skills are a must-have). Letting them take control of their own learning. 4. CREATIVE - We want our kids to be able to disconnect from (and recognize) society’s groupthink and boxes. We want them always asking themselves “why” or "what" before blindly believing something. Find the questions again. Art not required. a. Imagination - Let it run wild! Provide whatever resources we can to allow them to explore their imaginings. Give them lots of blank slates for their masterpieces. Say yes to trying new things. Be interested. Be inspired. Be excited. Listen. b. Originality - Using your own strengths and experiences to create new ideas and information. Exposure to all kinds of cultures and methods that can help them break free of the traditional American societal norms, and help them see alternatives exist… what other alternatives can you think of? c. Critical Thinking - What do I think, and why? What do I feel, and why? The art of thinking about thinking, and then effectively expressing your thoughts and opinions on a topic. Being willing to change your mind. d. Inquisitiveness and Skepticism - Intro to Logic, how to spot fake news, reliable sources, fact vs opinion, scientific method, creating an experiment based on an initial observation.

Reverse Engineered Parenting

When we first decided to finally try unschooling, I had already been toying with the idea for 2 solid years.  Insecure about my own abilities as a parent (and a human being in general), I set out to build my self confidence through facing my fears of inadequacy.  I finally enrolled in college.  An honor's college.  At 35yrs old.  It was very difficult and emotionally draining... until it wasn't.  My confidence was growing with each new experience.  Every fear shrunk until it became powerless.  During this time I had many personal revelations about the learning process versus the schooling process, and what I wanted it to be like.  I noticed some trends I hated, and some I absolutely loved.  I broke down the experiences and asked myself what practices were working and why.  That's when I knew unschooling was right for us.  I realized I had been "supplementing" with it my entire life and theirs... and those were the experiences that were most meaningful and memorable.  However, there was still the task of "coming out" to everyone about my decision.

I knew I personally had to do a lot of research and groundwork so that I would feel comfortable with the decision.  I had to have information written in my own voice that I could refer back to when the gremlins in my head start making me doubt myself.  Preparation is not so that I will know what to do with the kids... it's so that I can maintain my faith in this very different process when I start getting questions and comments.  I need to be prepared, as a parent, to defend my choices to myself and others.

Change terrifies us, and can cause us to become defensive and angry or jealous.  Living an honest and brave life is not an easy task.  Being different is really challenging!!  I do not judge this defensiveness as good or bad, I simply acknowledge its existence... because it most certainly is in me.  I used to get so jealous of parents who were traveling with their kids.  It's time for me to take that leap and finally do something I've been longing to try.

I began telling a few select people my intentions to unschool.  They were people who had only known me over the past 5 years or so, after the time I dramatically changed my core beliefs and grew as a person.  They were only people who had experience as teachers or therapists who had worked with children and whose opinions I valued on the topics.  They were people who had healthy relationships, believed mental health was just as important as physical health, and who were serious critical thinkers.  I knew they would give thoughtful comments rather than fearful opinions.  They were peers and mentors, so they were not going to kiss my butt or placate me with empty compliments.

One by one they expressed excitement and utmost confidence in my ability, and my children's ability, to tackle unschooling!  They found me peer-reviewed articles that supported my beliefs.  They shared books with me.  They shared pages of resources.  They asked me questions.  They gave me amazing perspectives.  They gave me confidence and reminded me of all the things I tend to forget about myself and my children: we're awesome.  I was determined.

My first step was to write out some goals.  I wanted to have clear goals in mind when dealing with the kids so I could ask myself what actions would help me.  I sought to answer the questions:
What are our goals for our children?
What values do we wish to instill in them before they venture out into the world?
What is a "successful person" to us?

We came up with 4 main goals and clearly defined each one.  Goal-setting is paramount to success!  So much of what we do can be aimless, but we wanted to transform our lives and our actions through thoughtful intention.  Oddly enough, one of the most profound pieces of information and inspiration we got was from an episode of Chef's Table on Netflix.  We all grew up in the States being told the 5 senses were: touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing... but this Buddhist chef recited them quickly to her students, and they were completely different.  The 5 senses in Buddhism: Body, Feeling, Perception, Intention, and Consciousness.  It was only seconds, but it was so profound to us that we had to rewind, write it down, and pause it for a bit to really absorb what had just been said.  The whole of one's existence was in those senses, and we really wanted to incorporate that completeness into our family goals.  So we did.

Now armed with a detailed outline of goals for our parenting, we have a clear direction and an agreed-upon point of reference, ready to be interpreted in moments of change or disagreement.

Let it Begin

We're going to unschool the kids.  For those of you unfamiliar with this, lemme break it down for you briefly.  Homeschooling is curriculum based: you get an approved curriculum from an accredited institution and the kids complete it at their own pace.  Unschooling is different.  Unschooling is driven by each individual child's passions and learning style and doesn't follow a curriculum.  It presupposes that children are naturally curious and will want to learn things as they navigate through life.  Unschooling requires a lot of trust and bravery (like everything else in parenting).  I doubt I will feel super secure about this decision most days, but I know it's the right thing to do because it hasn't left my brain for 2 years.  Why, you might ask, am I doing this?  I can tell you it most certainly has nothing to do with wanting to control my children and their knowledge.  It's actually the opposite.

1. The kids asked me to do it after going on adventures with me the same week as their 8-day-long standardized testing... two weeks of testing, preceded by weeks of preparation as well.

2. I feel like it's the right thing to do.  I'm not scared they won't learn.  I am not scared they'll be unable to work in the real world with deadlines and other people.  I'm not scared they will learn less than their peers.  I'm not scared they will be inadequate because we're choosing a different path.

3. I want the freedom to choose where to take my kids, what to show them, and when to go.  We want to travel when it's cheap and less crowded.  I want freedom to explore and learn, and to spend time together whenever.  FREEDOM and family time!

4. I think holistic approaches to learning are far more valuable than compartmentalized subject learning.  There are no connections being made about the practicality of what they're learning and the constraints and controls placed on teachers is absurd.  Teaching a child to find slope for math means nothing, but using the slope equation to compare data usage rates of different apps makes a real-world connection.  Learning about every aspect of a decade all over the globe (discovery, culture, food, travel, inventions, clothing, art, wars, philosophy, literature) gives you a broad picture of the world and its direction in much more than just a historical context... you get a global evolutionary look at history and see the interconnection of ideas.

5. I want the kids to have TIME with their thoughts.  We give them a million bits of information and never let them apply it to their lives.  What's the point?  When I think back to my time in school I literally remember nothing but stress and interactions with friends.  I recall nothing about most of the classes.  I want them to be allowed to think critically, answer their own questions, find questions that matter to them.  So much of school is denying children the opportunity to be curious on their own.  So much of our lives are run by someone else's perception of how we should spend our time.  Well we only have one life to live, and it's not for anyone but ourselves.

6. I want them to be able to study 12th grade math and 1st grade reading if that's where their abilities lie.  Go ahead and study quantum mechanics while reading Dr. Seuss!  I want them to read things they actually care about, even if it's only subtitles on Naruto.  I want them to be allowed to explore passions like baking, cooking, art, writing, or soccer without any limits but materials... and then we can go shopping.  I want them to be able to be obsessed about something until they are satiated with their knowledge and then move on to something else.  I want to tell them they CAN, and then let them actually try.

7. How we see the world and what we deem important must be reflected in our actions.  Traditional schooling isn't meeting our family goals in that regard.  I don't think we should be bound to the expectations and wants of others before our own needs (mental health matters especially).  Being kind and compassionate to all people is important to us.  Respecting others is important regardless of age, and school doesn't seem to agree that kids deserve respect or consideration.  Children are routinely placed outside of dialogues and not given any control over their lives, even in high school.  We believe open and honest answers to "why not" should be a part of every parent's conversation with their kids.  We ask ourselves our true reasons are for saying "you can't" so that our own intentions are clear; something we figured out back in 2013 and never went back.  The more we try to control the kids, the more they lie or feel incapable, and we definitely do not want that!  There's a difference between guidelines and fences.  Children may not be capable of making all their decisions, but how will they ever become capable if we never let them try?  Yes, they will fail.  Yes, they will learn from failure.  Kids are so much more capable than our society believes.  

8. We want to empower our children, and this is how we feel we can best accomplish that.  I'm not saying this is the right move for everyone or that public school is awful.  Our school system is quite good actually, and it's the main reason we moved to this county.  We have laid out our personal parenting goals and they just don't line up is all.  I think there are as many "right" ways to parent as there are parents.  There is not ONE answer that fits everyone, and it's up to us to support each other while we try to figure it all out.  We believe this is our right answer... for now.  It could change, and that's what I want most, the ability to change our minds and try different things.  I'm just thankful we even have the option to do this.