Reverse Engineered Parenting

When we first decided to finally try unschooling, I had already been toying with the idea for 2 solid years.  Insecure about my own abilities as a parent (and a human being in general), I set out to build my self confidence through facing my fears of inadequacy.  I finally enrolled in college.  An honor's college.  At 35yrs old.  It was very difficult and emotionally draining... until it wasn't.  My confidence was growing with each new experience.  Every fear shrunk until it became powerless.  During this time I had many personal revelations about the learning process versus the schooling process, and what I wanted it to be like.  I noticed some trends I hated, and some I absolutely loved.  I broke down the experiences and asked myself what practices were working and why.  That's when I knew unschooling was right for us.  I realized I had been "supplementing" with it my entire life and theirs... and those were the experiences that were most meaningful and memorable.  However, there was still the task of "coming out" to everyone about my decision.

I knew I personally had to do a lot of research and groundwork so that I would feel comfortable with the decision.  I had to have information written in my own voice that I could refer back to when the gremlins in my head start making me doubt myself.  Preparation is not so that I will know what to do with the kids... it's so that I can maintain my faith in this very different process when I start getting questions and comments.  I need to be prepared, as a parent, to defend my choices to myself and others.

Change terrifies us, and can cause us to become defensive and angry or jealous.  Living an honest and brave life is not an easy task.  Being different is really challenging!!  I do not judge this defensiveness as good or bad, I simply acknowledge its existence... because it most certainly is in me.  I used to get so jealous of parents who were traveling with their kids.  It's time for me to take that leap and finally do something I've been longing to try.

I began telling a few select people my intentions to unschool.  They were people who had only known me over the past 5 years or so, after the time I dramatically changed my core beliefs and grew as a person.  They were only people who had experience as teachers or therapists who had worked with children and whose opinions I valued on the topics.  They were people who had healthy relationships, believed mental health was just as important as physical health, and who were serious critical thinkers.  I knew they would give thoughtful comments rather than fearful opinions.  They were peers and mentors, so they were not going to kiss my butt or placate me with empty compliments.

One by one they expressed excitement and utmost confidence in my ability, and my children's ability, to tackle unschooling!  They found me peer-reviewed articles that supported my beliefs.  They shared books with me.  They shared pages of resources.  They asked me questions.  They gave me amazing perspectives.  They gave me confidence and reminded me of all the things I tend to forget about myself and my children: we're awesome.  I was determined.

My first step was to write out some goals.  I wanted to have clear goals in mind when dealing with the kids so I could ask myself what actions would help me.  I sought to answer the questions:
What are our goals for our children?
What values do we wish to instill in them before they venture out into the world?
What is a "successful person" to us?

We came up with 4 main goals and clearly defined each one.  Goal-setting is paramount to success!  So much of what we do can be aimless, but we wanted to transform our lives and our actions through thoughtful intention.  Oddly enough, one of the most profound pieces of information and inspiration we got was from an episode of Chef's Table on Netflix.  We all grew up in the States being told the 5 senses were: touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing... but this Buddhist chef recited them quickly to her students, and they were completely different.  The 5 senses in Buddhism: Body, Feeling, Perception, Intention, and Consciousness.  It was only seconds, but it was so profound to us that we had to rewind, write it down, and pause it for a bit to really absorb what had just been said.  The whole of one's existence was in those senses, and we really wanted to incorporate that completeness into our family goals.  So we did.

Now armed with a detailed outline of goals for our parenting, we have a clear direction and an agreed-upon point of reference, ready to be interpreted in moments of change or disagreement.

Let it Begin

We're going to unschool the kids.  For those of you unfamiliar with this, lemme break it down for you briefly.  Homeschooling is curriculum based: you get an approved curriculum from an accredited institution and the kids complete it at their own pace.  Unschooling is different.  Unschooling is driven by each individual child's passions and learning style and doesn't follow a curriculum.  It presupposes that children are naturally curious and will want to learn things as they navigate through life.  Unschooling requires a lot of trust and bravery (like everything else in parenting).  I doubt I will feel super secure about this decision most days, but I know it's the right thing to do because it hasn't left my brain for 2 years.  Why, you might ask, am I doing this?  I can tell you it most certainly has nothing to do with wanting to control my children and their knowledge.  It's actually the opposite.

1. The kids asked me to do it after going on adventures with me the same week as their 8-day-long standardized testing... two weeks of testing, preceded by weeks of preparation as well.

2. I feel like it's the right thing to do.  I'm not scared they won't learn.  I am not scared they'll be unable to work in the real world with deadlines and other people.  I'm not scared they will learn less than their peers.  I'm not scared they will be inadequate because we're choosing a different path.

3. I want the freedom to choose where to take my kids, what to show them, and when to go.  We want to travel when it's cheap and less crowded.  I want freedom to explore and learn, and to spend time together whenever.  FREEDOM and family time!

4. I think holistic approaches to learning are far more valuable than compartmentalized subject learning.  There are no connections being made about the practicality of what they're learning and the constraints and controls placed on teachers is absurd.  Teaching a child to find slope for math means nothing, but using the slope equation to compare data usage rates of different apps makes a real-world connection.  Learning about every aspect of a decade all over the globe (discovery, culture, food, travel, inventions, clothing, art, wars, philosophy, literature) gives you a broad picture of the world and its direction in much more than just a historical context... you get a global evolutionary look at history and see the interconnection of ideas.

5. I want the kids to have TIME with their thoughts.  We give them a million bits of information and never let them apply it to their lives.  What's the point?  When I think back to my time in school I literally remember nothing but stress and interactions with friends.  I recall nothing about most of the classes.  I want them to be allowed to think critically, answer their own questions, find questions that matter to them.  So much of school is denying children the opportunity to be curious on their own.  So much of our lives are run by someone else's perception of how we should spend our time.  Well we only have one life to live, and it's not for anyone but ourselves.

6. I want them to be able to study 12th grade math and 1st grade reading if that's where their abilities lie.  Go ahead and study quantum mechanics while reading Dr. Seuss!  I want them to read things they actually care about, even if it's only subtitles on Naruto.  I want them to be allowed to explore passions like baking, cooking, art, writing, or soccer without any limits but materials... and then we can go shopping.  I want them to be able to be obsessed about something until they are satiated with their knowledge and then move on to something else.  I want to tell them they CAN, and then let them actually try.

7. How we see the world and what we deem important must be reflected in our actions.  Traditional schooling isn't meeting our family goals in that regard.  I don't think we should be bound to the expectations and wants of others before our own needs (mental health matters especially).  Being kind and compassionate to all people is important to us.  Respecting others is important regardless of age, and school doesn't seem to agree that kids deserve respect or consideration.  Children are routinely placed outside of dialogues and not given any control over their lives, even in high school.  We believe open and honest answers to "why not" should be a part of every parent's conversation with their kids.  We ask ourselves our true reasons are for saying "you can't" so that our own intentions are clear; something we figured out back in 2013 and never went back.  The more we try to control the kids, the more they lie or feel incapable, and we definitely do not want that!  There's a difference between guidelines and fences.  Children may not be capable of making all their decisions, but how will they ever become capable if we never let them try?  Yes, they will fail.  Yes, they will learn from failure.  Kids are so much more capable than our society believes.  

8. We want to empower our children, and this is how we feel we can best accomplish that.  I'm not saying this is the right move for everyone or that public school is awful.  Our school system is quite good actually, and it's the main reason we moved to this county.  We have laid out our personal parenting goals and they just don't line up is all.  I think there are as many "right" ways to parent as there are parents.  There is not ONE answer that fits everyone, and it's up to us to support each other while we try to figure it all out.  We believe this is our right answer... for now.  It could change, and that's what I want most, the ability to change our minds and try different things.  I'm just thankful we even have the option to do this.