Screentime

Our generation is at a unique crossroads.  Technology is advancing quickly and we're left squirming in the discomfort of trying to solve a new parenting dilemma - how much screen time is too much?  This is especially difficult when you're trying to encourage self-directed learning, and imposing control and regulations can get in the way of that process.  So what do we do?  I don't know, but I can tell you what we did.

Saturday Unplugged is something we started back in 2011 as a means to prioritize family time (and curb obsession with screens in the process) for all of us.  It was very hard for the parents to do, probably more-so than the kids.  We were pretty religious about it up until all the kids were in school and spending so much time away from home and devices, it seemed no longer necessary.  We did still do it every summer though.  Long story short, we're bringing it back full time.  Since everyone is used to it at this point, no complaints happen.  We're all pretty good about entertaining ourselves or each other.  It's been great.

We had a family discussion where we asked the kids themselves what they think about screen time and what should be done.  They all had completely different opinions so we're letting them self-regulate.  I encouraged them to notice how they feel physically and emotionally throughout the day to see where their own limits lie.  I'm trying really hard not to put too fine a point on it.  We're looking at it like an experiment that we can compare results later on.  There's no immediacy, just curiosity.  This should be a great learning experience for self-awareness, self-regulation, self-control, and goal-setting.  Our goal is to notice when we become anxious or agitated, and to see if maybe too much screen time is the reason we feel unbalanced.

Balance is a funny thing... people assume it means "evenness", but that's untrue.  Balance is simply the point at which both sides are having an equal effect within the system.  I need a ton of nature time to feel balanced, Josh and Noah don't.  Tristan needs way more exercise than we do, and more time with others.  Brennan needs a lot of alone time for building and creating.  We are all completely different people with different needs, so setting an arbitrary limit wasn't going to work for us.  Thankfully, our kids aren't babies anymore and can form complex thoughts and self-analyze... otherwise this would be a pointless exercise.

We also used different scientific studies to make our decisions.  This video was a big help in showing the importance of allowing our entire brains to be utilized.

Family Goals - Intentional Parenting

I'm sharing with you all the first draft of our family Constitution that will be amended and ratified over the course of our lives together I'm sure :)  This provides us with a clear reference point when making decisions for our family so we keep living intentionally with clear goals in mind.  This allows us to make decisions that fit our goals instead of being on "autopilot" based on cultural norms.  Having clearly defined parenting goals allows us to critically evaluate our actions and motivations, and to change if needed.

What are our goals for our children? What values do we wish to instill in them before they venture out into the world? What is a “successful person” to us? 1. HAPPY - “feeling pleasure and contentment” is the definition of happiness. What tools can we give our kids that will help them find and keep their happiness? Start with the strengths test from authentichappiness. This will give us a personal platform to begin from with each child. This goal encompasses all other goals. a. Gratitude - be able to show gratitude for their present situation and focus on reasons to be thankful rather than critical, without condemning their ability to judge something critically or be unhappy with a situation. Help them work through the discomfort of unhappiness as a normal process that isn’t wrong, and highlight the practice of finding gratitude as a way to cope with anxiety.
b. Personal Responsibility - be able to take responsibility for your own actions, understanding that every action has a reaction. There is always a consequence, and it’s not always bad! Point out all the reactions and consequences, not just the “bad” ones so they can see the balance that is struck at all times. Point out the inherent control over only ourselves, and not every part of ourselves, and find peace with the lack of control on every other front. We are part of nature and nature is always seeking a balance… what part are you playing right now? How can you change it? c. Self Regulation - Start off with guidelines and controls and taper them off to complete independence. Have them personally log things like screen time, sleep, diet, exercise, hydration… so they can really see where their time is being spent and get a clearer picture of their day-to-day lives. Time management is a part of this! How long does it take me to do ___? How much time do I spend on my tablet? d. Self Awareness - The five senses: Body, Feeling, Perception, Intention and Consciousness. Use meditation and midfulness to bring their awareness to their physical body and how it feels, their own emotions, their inner thoughts, their motivations, and their manifestations/actions. Bring back the alone time. We want them to be thoughtful and deliberate people who see themselves and others clearly. e. Self Confidence - Conquering fear starts with learning your own strengths. Start with the strengths test and use their biggest assets to help them improve and grow. Take a look at what they believe their biggest weaknesses are and see if they feel anxious or accepting of them. Allow them to try and try again. Keep practicing the art of failing, analyzing, re-designing, and re-trying. No matter the task… NO MATTER THE TASK! This very much includes mental health and stability practices. Encourage tiny victories. Cheer each other on. f. Self Care - Help them establish care plans that work for them. They can look stuff up online, take more quizzes, have conversations, go to therapy, whatever they come up with to discover what methods and tools work best for them. g. Sense of Purpose - It’s important for us to show them, in this world that highlights ultra-achievers, that just being yourself is an amazing accomplishment. Highlight the very smallest to the very biggest of things. Have them understand that all things are equally important, and no one job is more significant than another because all of it is interconnected. Interconnectedness and comfort with self leads to a sense of purpose. h. Connection to World - Interconnectedness, highlighting their own existence as an important and integral part of the gigantic universe. Establish this connection by teaching empathy, kindness and compassion. We are all important. 2. HEALTHY - Much of this can be accomplished through reaching our first set of goals, which is the mental side of healthcare that often gets lost in the civilian world. The other side, the physical side, is taught through study of how the internal systems function and how exercise and good eating habits affect those systems. a. Health - Understanding how the body functions and why healthy choices are important. Spend equal time on both physical and mental health! Look at the physical changes of poor mental health as well to show the connection. b. Diet - Building blocks of our entire bodies are molecules we get from what we eat and drink. Digestion and integration, food web, lifecycles. c. Activity - Look at building muscles, endurance, creating healthy habits. Look at the extreme ends of the spectrum and discuss where each one feels they fit in. Adventurous? d. Time in Nature - Resetting your senses is always a great idea. Both physical and mental health responses to time in nature. Importance of green spaces to health and welfare of biological organisms. Connect with ecology and instill love of nature and stewardship. 3. EMPOWERED & CAPABLE - facing fears willingly, being outside of your comfort zone in order to learn and grow. Believing in yourself and your abilities to accomplish something, or if not, to learn from failure. Resiliency! a. Personal Growth - Mastering the goals we laid out for happiness and understanding it is a lifetime practice and will always be changing. Be excited about that! b. Conquering Fear - Knowing what it feels like to be afraid and no longer allowing it to control what we want to accomplish. Be open and honest with them about how it’s hard even for adults. Let them see us conquer our fears. Communicate. c. Setting Reasonable Goals - Show them how to set small goals so that they can be successful. It’s great to focus on the future, but understand that it’s very hard to walk all that way without ever focusing on what’s right in front of you. Teach them how to look back at what they’ve done to give them a boost when they most need it. It’s completely normal to feel like a failure sometimes, and we’ll show them how we try to silence the saboteur. Learning the tools needed for resiliency. d. Independence - Managing time, working with finances, knowing your strengths, taking responsibility, having goals and knowing how to make a plan to reach them, being professional, working with others (because no one does anything truly alone and social skills are a must-have). Letting them take control of their own learning. 4. CREATIVE - We want our kids to be able to disconnect from (and recognize) society’s groupthink and boxes. We want them always asking themselves “why” or "what" before blindly believing something. Find the questions again. Art not required. a. Imagination - Let it run wild! Provide whatever resources we can to allow them to explore their imaginings. Give them lots of blank slates for their masterpieces. Say yes to trying new things. Be interested. Be inspired. Be excited. Listen. b. Originality - Using your own strengths and experiences to create new ideas and information. Exposure to all kinds of cultures and methods that can help them break free of the traditional American societal norms, and help them see alternatives exist… what other alternatives can you think of? c. Critical Thinking - What do I think, and why? What do I feel, and why? The art of thinking about thinking, and then effectively expressing your thoughts and opinions on a topic. Being willing to change your mind. d. Inquisitiveness and Skepticism - Intro to Logic, how to spot fake news, reliable sources, fact vs opinion, scientific method, creating an experiment based on an initial observation.

Reverse Engineered Parenting

When we first decided to finally try unschooling, I had already been toying with the idea for 2 solid years.  Insecure about my own abilities as a parent (and a human being in general), I set out to build my self confidence through facing my fears of inadequacy.  I finally enrolled in college.  An honor's college.  At 35yrs old.  It was very difficult and emotionally draining... until it wasn't.  My confidence was growing with each new experience.  Every fear shrunk until it became powerless.  During this time I had many personal revelations about the learning process versus the schooling process, and what I wanted it to be like.  I noticed some trends I hated, and some I absolutely loved.  I broke down the experiences and asked myself what practices were working and why.  That's when I knew unschooling was right for us.  I realized I had been "supplementing" with it my entire life and theirs... and those were the experiences that were most meaningful and memorable.  However, there was still the task of "coming out" to everyone about my decision.

I knew I personally had to do a lot of research and groundwork so that I would feel comfortable with the decision.  I had to have information written in my own voice that I could refer back to when the gremlins in my head start making me doubt myself.  Preparation is not so that I will know what to do with the kids... it's so that I can maintain my faith in this very different process when I start getting questions and comments.  I need to be prepared, as a parent, to defend my choices to myself and others.

Change terrifies us, and can cause us to become defensive and angry or jealous.  Living an honest and brave life is not an easy task.  Being different is really challenging!!  I do not judge this defensiveness as good or bad, I simply acknowledge its existence... because it most certainly is in me.  I used to get so jealous of parents who were traveling with their kids.  It's time for me to take that leap and finally do something I've been longing to try.

I began telling a few select people my intentions to unschool.  They were people who had only known me over the past 5 years or so, after the time I dramatically changed my core beliefs and grew as a person.  They were only people who had experience as teachers or therapists who had worked with children and whose opinions I valued on the topics.  They were people who had healthy relationships, believed mental health was just as important as physical health, and who were serious critical thinkers.  I knew they would give thoughtful comments rather than fearful opinions.  They were peers and mentors, so they were not going to kiss my butt or placate me with empty compliments.

One by one they expressed excitement and utmost confidence in my ability, and my children's ability, to tackle unschooling!  They found me peer-reviewed articles that supported my beliefs.  They shared books with me.  They shared pages of resources.  They asked me questions.  They gave me amazing perspectives.  They gave me confidence and reminded me of all the things I tend to forget about myself and my children: we're awesome.  I was determined.

My first step was to write out some goals.  I wanted to have clear goals in mind when dealing with the kids so I could ask myself what actions would help me.  I sought to answer the questions:
What are our goals for our children?
What values do we wish to instill in them before they venture out into the world?
What is a "successful person" to us?

We came up with 4 main goals and clearly defined each one.  Goal-setting is paramount to success!  So much of what we do can be aimless, but we wanted to transform our lives and our actions through thoughtful intention.  Oddly enough, one of the most profound pieces of information and inspiration we got was from an episode of Chef's Table on Netflix.  We all grew up in the States being told the 5 senses were: touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing... but this Buddhist chef recited them quickly to her students, and they were completely different.  The 5 senses in Buddhism: Body, Feeling, Perception, Intention, and Consciousness.  It was only seconds, but it was so profound to us that we had to rewind, write it down, and pause it for a bit to really absorb what had just been said.  The whole of one's existence was in those senses, and we really wanted to incorporate that completeness into our family goals.  So we did.

Now armed with a detailed outline of goals for our parenting, we have a clear direction and an agreed-upon point of reference, ready to be interpreted in moments of change or disagreement.