Scheduling Routines to Make Room for Creative Chaos

Did you ever notice how everything seems to function on a bell curve?  Instinctively we know this to be true, which is why we have sayings like "too much of a good thing is bad".  I believe there is a point at which every relationship within a system hits its capacity for positive increase and begins falling (which sounds an awful lot like Newton's 3rd Law of Motion).  We have bell curve models for household income and happiness, class size and student achievement, and number of choices and satisfaction (to name a few).  Overarching message is: applying limits to the infinite is the only way we create any definition (and there's Newton's 1st Law of Motion).  Physics, y'all.  There are universal laws of energy and structure AND entropy and chaos all around us.  I'm going to try really hard now not to diverge off-topic into all the other realms where I see this playing out!  It's painful.  My brain really wants to share.  Find me later and we'll talk.  Ahemmm.



Freedom to choose is great, but only to a point.  Having every single option in the world available to us actually creates an intense pressure to "choose correctly" and overwhelms us with anxiety over perceived expectations.  To mitigate the anxiety of endless choice unschooling offers, I felt there should be at least some scheduling, limits, and expectations.  Expectations provide comfort in the chaos.  I came up with some ideas to relieve us in the places we were feeling anxiety.

What do we learn?  When?  How?  I chose 9 possibilities for the kids.  Why?  Because 8 is the number of subjects on which the State wants to do portfolio checks, but 9 fits nicely in a 3x3 table and it's a perfect square: science, mathematics, art, music, health, physical education, writing, and reading.  The kids have experience with all these "subjects" so it's a nice comfortable middle ground to begin the de-schooling process.  Already they're finding their own lessons that incorporate more than one subject (because that's exactly how the world functions) and they're excited about the connections.  I made them each a chart and laminated it so they can use it as a checklist.  I also gave them daily limits I felt were necessary for the well-being aspects of our goals: 1hr of alone time, 1hr of physical exercise, 1hr of unplugged time, and chores.  They can combine whatever they want, however they want or not at all... including their "subject" learning.  Daily, weekly?... not important.  They have all chosen different ways to check their subjects off the chart.  They have goals, but they still feel free to choose, and they're learning how to find those connections between subjects.

What if I can't think of anything to do?  If they run out of ideas, we have idea jars with vocabulary words and people known in those fields of study that they can research.  There are also lists of pre-approved websites where they can find theme-appropriate materials and idea lists: watch a show or documentary, read a book or article, play a game, build something, design something etc.  We're still working on them so no photos yet.

How do we get the ball rolling?  There was also the problem of introducing new information as a catalyst for learning.  At first I assumed it would present itself through everyday life, and while that is often times true, it also helps to try new things.  I know college has fueled many of my own follow-on research.  Field Trip Friday was born!  The kids are on the schedule and know what day they each get to choose and plan a field trip for all of us.  We get to enjoy each others interests and learn new things, and the pre-planning relieved a lot of anxiety in me about where to go and when.

Who's in charge of food?!  Tuesdays and Thursdays are my school days so the kids were concerned about lunches.  It's funny because while they were going to school I never made their lunches, but now that the option for hot food is there everything has changed.  So, we have planned lunches chosen from a small selection of meals I know they can handle.  They take their 10 options and place them however they'd like in the calendar... or just randomly choose one for the day.  The first official week has been great!

The Fear of Losing Control

I can tell there has been a parenting shift in our house because the kids are so different!  They still ask permission for everything (because I am still the parent), but their requests have gotten more bold and interesting.  Not only that, but they do these things without hesitation or trepidation when I say yes.  Tristan's self confidence level has risen enough that he will not only try something new, but he'll do it without supervision!  This is a remarkable shift for him especially.

"Mom can I make a scented hand sanitizer from herbs outside?" -B
"Mom can we buy lemons so I can make lemonade for everyone?" -T
"Mom can we go on a jog through the neighborhood in the morning?  It just feels right." -T
"Mom can I make a cake?" -B
"Mom can we make a video of how many rubber bands it would take to break a lemon?" -T
"Mom have you ever been obsessed with something and you just couldn't stop until you beat it?" -N
"Mom can I have a YouTube channel?" -N

The most difficult task has been to let the obsessions happen.  I really really want to kick Noah off of his games, but why?  If he was building with Legos instead of Minecraft would I feel the same?  No... because I would see him and what he is doing, and because Legos don't have a negative connotation in society.  Minecraft is social at least.  When I let him be, he takes breaks.  In fact, he spent an entire day off of the games without it being Saturday because he had run out of achievements to earn and it had become boring to him.  He's about to be 13, and I remember everything about all those teenage years.  None of it centered around my family.  I remember watching my older sister go through it and she was the same, all about friends, and that's when I got very close to my younger brother.  This is a natural part of the process of growing up.

Teen-hood is the time we begin exploring beyond our family unit and into the realm of how do I want to interact with the world outside.  I remember the freedom I had!  What a gift!  All I did all summer long was call my friends and take off on my bike... no cell phone required.  Come home when the street lights come on.  We were all over the place, meeting up with other kids from the neighborhood.  I couldn't tell you what most of their parents looked like.  We were far from home and unafraid, and we rarely spoke to an adult.  We came home when we were starving and couldn't take it anymore.  I learned a lot of valuable lessons about interaction, emotions, what motivates people, and communication.  I screwed up a bunch of times and I had to fix it myself or move on.  I stayed up all night long in chatrooms and on fake worlds where I felt liberated by people liking me for my personality, not my appearance.  I was empowered by the lack of physical threat if I flirted and didn't follow through.  When Josh was 13 he had his own business mowing lawns complete with employees, self-bought equipment, regular clients, and he used all his profits for video games and Legos.  He was driving and dating very early and juggling full schedules of work and play.  We both joined the military young and got married really early because we were lucky to have parents who let us grow up.  Technology is how they meet up now, and it's not necessarily better or worse.  It's where we are as a society.  Maybe this generation will be the ones who finally are OK with everyone working from home.  No more traffic or commutes or set working hours.  No more buildings to maintain... food for thought.

When I look back at those memories they help me re-gain perspective and re-dedicate myself to the self-directed cause.  We do not need to control our children.  They will be safe and fine.  They can be trusted not to be total jerks or wildly dangerous.  They can be trusted not to jump into a paneled pervy van or play with a loaded gun.  They just want to go be kids and play at being adults.  They will play all the dumb games we did like Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, 7 Minutes in Heaven, sneak peeks at nudie pictures and each other, and have ridiculous secret conversations about sex... because exploring that aspect of ourselves requires outside motivation to overcome the fear.  We don't have to catch them or prevent them.  We don't have to outsmart them (we already know).  We protect and we guide.  The hardest part about being a parent for me is allowing mistakes to happen so they can learn about the process of fixing it and moving on... resiliency doesn't come from discussions, it comes from experience.

They cannot learn to fly if they never leave the nest.  Teenagers are those fledgling birds hopping around on the ground, finding places to hide and wait until Mom comes around to feed them once in awhile.

Screentime

Our generation is at a unique crossroads.  Technology is advancing quickly and we're left squirming in the discomfort of trying to solve a new parenting dilemma - how much screen time is too much?  This is especially difficult when you're trying to encourage self-directed learning, and imposing control and regulations can get in the way of that process.  So what do we do?  I don't know, but I can tell you what we did.

Saturday Unplugged is something we started back in 2011 as a means to prioritize family time (and curb obsession with screens in the process) for all of us.  It was very hard for the parents to do, probably more-so than the kids.  We were pretty religious about it up until all the kids were in school and spending so much time away from home and devices, it seemed no longer necessary.  We did still do it every summer though.  Long story short, we're bringing it back full time.  Since everyone is used to it at this point, no complaints happen.  We're all pretty good about entertaining ourselves or each other.  It's been great.

We had a family discussion where we asked the kids themselves what they think about screen time and what should be done.  They all had completely different opinions so we're letting them self-regulate.  I encouraged them to notice how they feel physically and emotionally throughout the day to see where their own limits lie.  I'm trying really hard not to put too fine a point on it.  We're looking at it like an experiment that we can compare results later on.  There's no immediacy, just curiosity.  This should be a great learning experience for self-awareness, self-regulation, self-control, and goal-setting.  Our goal is to notice when we become anxious or agitated, and to see if maybe too much screen time is the reason we feel unbalanced.

Balance is a funny thing... people assume it means "evenness", but that's untrue.  Balance is simply the point at which both sides are having an equal effect within the system.  I need a ton of nature time to feel balanced, Josh and Noah don't.  Tristan needs way more exercise than we do, and more time with others.  Brennan needs a lot of alone time for building and creating.  We are all completely different people with different needs, so setting an arbitrary limit wasn't going to work for us.  Thankfully, our kids aren't babies anymore and can form complex thoughts and self-analyze... otherwise this would be a pointless exercise.

We also used different scientific studies to make our decisions.  This video was a big help in showing the importance of allowing our entire brains to be utilized.